I'm not a blank

I'm no stranger to lonely moments

2012-02-16T00:15:00.001+08:00

Please don't go, please don't leave me alone.
A mirror, is so much harder, to hold.
-Jon Foreman

I could try to point a finger, but the glass points in my direction.

I walk out of my house with the music still in my head. The sun nowhere to be found, i step outside and take a deep breath. There is the distinct smell of rain everywhere i turn. The wonderful rain-like smell i have few words to describe.

I inch forward and tilt my head up to see the sky crying. I feel sad because the clouds are. In primary school, i learnt that it rains because the water vapor in the clouds is too heavy for the cloud to handle. Like us, i guess there's only so much we can take before we let it all out and cry our sorrows away. Or at least try to. Even clouds have a limit. Even the heavens cry.

The 4 steps before me seem so small. I climb down them and sit on my front porch.

At this point, my Disneyland shirt is soaked. My hair is plastered to my face as the water hits me relentlessly. I shiver a little when a breeze rolls by my solitary position. But i still sit there. In the rain.

I love it.

I love everything about the rain.

I love how the saltwater hits you and then slides off your skin. I love how it drips from your hair, and how just before a droplet falls, it clings to the strand like it doesn't want to let go. I love how the skies get dark and the winds pick up. I love how there is no sun, no warmth. I love how the water keeps on falling from the sky.

Perhaps most of all, i love the sound of rain.

I love the way it sounds like small pebbles hitting glass. I love how 1 tiny drop barely makes a sound, but the millions combine to make an orchestra. I love how when it hits trees, the leaves shake and shiver as if from the shock of cold and wet. I love how it makes people and animals alike scramble for some sort of shelter. Like bats outside a dark cave, searching desperately for the pitch blackness again. I love the sound of the droplets hitting the ground. Plop. Plop. Plop. What a symphony.

I sit there in my own tiny world of water. All my clothes are soaked and my hair is all over my head. I reach out to brush a patch of hair that's on my forehead. More of my skin is exposed to the cleansing water. I want to shout. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to run around until my legs burn and my breath is short. I want to play music so loud people in Kovan call the police. I want to stay out here in the rain forever.

I look up again. Shielding my eyes from the stinging salt water. The clouds are so sad. So angry and big and menacing, but so very sad. I feel like reaching out and asking them what is wrong. But as i look down on the wet ground, i realize i don't even know what is wrong with myself.

The last 2 days i've been more lonely than i thought i'd be. But that's okay. I have Wallace. I have my guitar. But they're not her.

A car passes by my front gate, and the driver shoots me a weird look. It's the man from #8. I utter a silent prayer for him not to tell my parents. If he was even going to bother that is. They don't need to know why their son is out in the chilling rain, just sitting there and staring into space.

I raise my arms and feel the rain hit the skin below my wrists. I was so stupid today. Words cannot begin to describe how incredibly stupid i was. The saltwater is making IT hurt, so i pull my left arm back to my body. It hurts badly now. Very much so. I put my arms under my shirt and it's marginally better.

I am tempted to lie down. I glance at the neighbours house, to make sure no one is going to call IMH. The house is dark and locked. Exactly how i feel. I could wax poetic about how i feel, but it would be the same song sung with different words.

I lie down with a hand over my eyes. My right hand. My left arm is still safe beneath my shirt, although it still hurts like hell.

As the back of my head touches the cold, wet ground, a flood of memories rush through my mind. Memories of a long forgotten past. I remember the smell of cooking noodles, the heat of the fires under the mesh tins, the taste of nutella in my mouth, the feel of sweat running down my neck and back. I remember the laughter and the groans of complaints, and i remember the fear as Edwin walks past, telling us to clean up after ourselves and warning us of the consequences of not doing so.

I remember CLTC, because it rained. Because it taught me so much about who i am, and who i could be. Because it rained and i loved it. I fell in love with it then because it washed away everything i was feeling. It washed away the doubt and the hatred, the weariness and the contempt. The numbness and the frustration. I remember curling up inside the classroom with the rain battering the windows. Tiki Pole clutched protectively between my legs. I remember falling asleep to her text message, telling me everything will be alright and that she'll be waiting.

Another car goes past my gate and i am brought back to reality. I am no longer in the dark, dank classroom. She is no longer waiting for me. And i no longer want her to.

Plop. Plop. Plop.

I love everything about the rain.

Just a short random story i have no idea how i thought of

2012-02-14T23:02:00.000+08:00

Whiteness.

Everywhere he turns he just sees the same, blank whiteness. The mountain top he is on provides a view that many would kill to see. The winds howl in his ears, carrying fell voices. He turns to his left and in the vast expense of whiteness, he makes out a light green tint in the distance.

A tree. The only sign of life other than himself for miles.

The snow falls freely around him. Surrounding him. He reaches out a trembling arm, palm open. A single snowflake falls and he barely winces at the shock of cold that hits his skin. His face, already flushed from the snow, is now numb.

His scarf does little to nothing to help with the cold. Reaching out with his other hand, he lowers the sleeves of his coat, previously rolled up to assist in climbing the mountain top.

It helps just a little. The biting cold is not fully expelled from his body, but nonetheless, every little bit helps.

He sits down, on that lonely, snow-covered mountain top. He looks out once again at the white canvas before him. No people, no buildings, no lights even. Just the endless, endless white. He reaches out with a finger and traces an "R" on the ground before him. His finger numb from the contact with the snow, he sits back with arms crossed, legs unfolded.

There is nothing here. Nothing but the untouched whiteness and the silence but for the cries of the wind and the trees. There are no birds chirping, no cars rushing past, no city lights flickering on and off, no nothing.

He watches as the snow slowly fills up the R that he had previously drawn on the ground. Before long there is no trace of it left. No evidence that there was ever once any imperfection on the layer of pure white snow.

His caps falls a little to his left. He lifts his right arm up to stabilize it. As he does so, a gust of chilling wind sweeps the area, and hits him right at his now vacant right side. He barely shivers, used to the cold.

It is so lonely on this mountaintop. He knows this. The silence and the solitude drew him to it like a poor, doomed moth to a flame. The complete isolation. The lack of sound and the nothingness. The white stretches out before him like an ocean. A colourless, pure ocean of cold and blankness that he cannot help but admire. His thoughts are his own as he hits there, now with his legs crossed. His coat, thick as it is, provides only minimal warmth in this place.

He likes it. The numb is good. The unfeeling chill seeps through his body and he embraces it with open arms. His eyes burn and he forces himself to blink. It hurts but it reminds him he is alive.

All that effort it took to reach this mountaintop was not in vain. He is finally alone. Away.

Behind him, there is a backpack. He turns and looks at it, seemingly only just remembering that it is there. He reaches for it, barely moving from his spot.

He pulls out a book and turns through the pages, feeling the decaying paper on his fingertips. It is as blank as the horizon before him.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out an object.

The sound the pen makes as he opens its cap echoes throughout the tiny world he is in. No one hears, and no one cares.

And now all that is left, is the scratching of pen on paper.

Slow dancing in a burning room

2012-02-14T00:27:00.000+08:00

I couldn't find a more appropriate song title to fit this post.

It also describes exactly what i'm seeing right now. The 2 of you oblivious to the fire and just dancing away the night, hoping everything will be okay despite the heat. It's like someone took a piece of my past and put it in my present. Or should i say, your present. It's Sherms all over again.

All 3 of us know how it's going to end, and it starts with "B" and ends with "adly".

I'm feeling too much now to actually put it into words. Like there's such a ton of things i want to write and say that my fingers can't possibly keep up. It's late and i've had just about 4 hours of sleep the previous day after the shoot. Why? I dunno.

I just hope that when shit hits the fan you realize that it's been bound to happen all along.

As for YOU?

I'm over you.

My mind is dull and shattered from these years of buy and sell. My mind has seen the glory, of this hollow, modern shell

2012-02-10T00:34:00.000+08:00

Oh.

I guess they'll say i should've known.

I know more, than i wanted to know, and i've said more, than i'd wanted to say.

- Southbound Train, Jon Foreman.

Another hot and tiring day today. My eyes feel like they're burning sometimes. There's this dull ache at the back of the sockets that really feel like electric razors running through my corneas. Maybe i should get it checked. Speaking of which, the pains in my head have lessened slightly (what a coincidence, in conjunction with Marcomm and Webgra finally ending). But these pains are still there and today it was really bad. I'm so afraid i may've been rather snarkier with Lindsay's group, whom i was helping out today. My bad.

It's just that the pain is so bad sometimes. This morning was really something else though.

I got off the bus, White As Snow in my ears and head. I decided then and there to turn around and walk towards KAP. Class was gonna start in 10 minutes but i really could've cared less. I spent a morning of solitude and reflection in KAP. Looking out the glass window, i couldn't help but notice my reflection. Jon Foreman says a mirror is easier to hold, but i beg to differ.

In my reflection i saw someone i don't think i quite liked.

Also, when i went to wash up after that, i noticed my huge, gigantic eyebags. Sleep is a luxury i could ill-afford last time. And now when i can finally get a little more, the insomnia is coming back. I feel so damn tired all the time. No amount of sleep can cure it and i always wake up feeling like shit. Sometimes i even wake up feeling more tired than i did falling asleep. Does that even bloody make sense?

Watched Inception today. Such an emotional show for me. Yes, it's a mind screw to enjoy.

But the deeper, more subtle message of the show can only be truly found after much thought. Or in my case, experience.

It's the message that someone has so much power over you. Think about it. You love someone so much, so, so much. So much so that that person (literally!) seeps into your very being. It eats at your consciousness and your thoughts.

That person influences your actions and your thought-processes. Until the point that you do things not because you want to, but because it'd make that other person happier or something to that effect. The worst and scariest part is, you don't even know how much you're letting this person influence and touch your life because it's as natural as breathing.

No matter how many layers, or in Leo's case, floors, you bury that person under, he/she is always there screaming to be let out. There is no cage in this world big or strong enough to contain an idea. And ideas are bulletproof.

What i'm trying to say is, the very thought of someone ELSE having such complete and utter POWER over YOUR life without you even consciously realizing it is too scary a thought. Love is the culprit in almost all cases. It's really a case of loving someone so damn much till it becomes your very being. People always says couples and all that are considered as one person etc. It's actually quite true.

Such a depressing, scary thought. I doubt i'd ever be able to trust another human being that much. He/She will have the power to break or define me. I'm not sure having that choice in hands that are not my own is the best thing to do.

Sigh.

The kind of tired that sleep cannot fix

2012-02-06T22:48:00.001+08:00

Had a nice day today.

Yes, i am actually happy about something. There's something you don't see everyday yeah? (If at all).

Spent literally the whole day with Camz, just talking and doing stuff till about 7-ish. After our Webgra it was just the 2 of us mucking around on Path and tweeting with Chan. Digitised our tapes and i'm glad the footages have no problem. Had rather interesting talks about other stuff too.

The FMS interview was queer to say the least. How am i supposed to know if America or the moon is further? Sheesh.

I'm working on another story. Wondering if i should post it up chapter by chapter or all at once. It's really long though. I've just finished chapter 1 and it's already 1.5k words. I should save all this crap and one day refine it enough to actually do something with it.

A surprisingly mundane post, yes i know, but i just needed to write something. Got a little writer's block halfway through the start of chapter 2, and i needed a break i think.

Speaking of breaks, i want one. Right now. I'm this close to quite literally dying. I looked up my symptoms on the net and i may have an unnatural nerve compression behind my right ear, which is what's causing all the sudden sharp pains i've been experiencing for awhile now. Problem is, it's hard to pinpoint the cause. Mostly, whatever i've found says it's caused by stress and strain. Nothing could be closer to the truth but i'll take my chances with the expert opinions of a qualified doctor some time this week.

Even today when digitising our tapes i kept having to grab my head in pain. I couldn't even speak because it was so damn painful.

I wanna run away from everything, but that'd be too cowardly for words.

Today's conversations have given me a lot to think about.

Patrick Stump says that the best of us can find happiness in misery. I'm starting to think maybe i'll never reach that elite group of people with the ability to do just that. It's not like i do it on purpose, it's just that my brain just won't shut up sometimes. It generates these stupid scenarios and circumstances that i really could just do without.

And also, i'm going to try one last time to stop liking you. I'm gonna muster up a herculean effort and endeavor to stem the feelings i have for you. It's getting to a point where i'm not sure why anymore. Everything you do and say, i can't take it without over-analyzing and over-thinking. For the sake of my mental health, and perhaps for those around me, i hereby declare any and all romantic feelings for you stunted.

For now.

Every time you do that thing you do

2012-02-03T02:03:00.000+08:00

You have taken the heart of me, and left just a part of me
- Look What You've Done, Bread

Have i ever mentioned how awesome the band Bread is? They're really just so talented and their lyrics are so incredibly meaningful. I can listen to them and Jon Foreman all day.

So i've had about 1 and a half hours of sleep in 2 days, and surprisingly, i'm not even close to dead. I must be desensitized to these feelings of exhaustion and weariness. So much so that the saying "Sleep is for the weak" is quickly becoming a motto of mine. I reached home a little over half an hour ago, at 12.45am.

Words cannot really begin to express my emotions. Turmoil would probably be a good place to start. Followed by "mess" and "asdfghjk". Should i think of a more apt adjective, i'll be sure to scroll up and edit that last word. But by golly am i tired. I'm tired, and yet my body is so awake because of everything that's been going on.

Dynn and Davin came over to my place the other day and we stayed up till 5am to do coding for our WebGra. When i woke up after a nice hour of sleep, to prepare to go to school, i was talking gibberish. I really didn't know what i was saying. I started talking to Dynn about Marcomm and POP mock ups, all the while having no freaking idea what the words coming out of my mouth were. Or if they were even words in the first place. Must've been because i fell asleep thinking of Marcomm. Hmm.

Regarding you?

Things haven't been so great lately. You're hot and you're cold. It's like i'm not sure which one's the real you. The one you seem to show me only when it's just the 2 of us, or the one you put on display when there's more people around. We all wear masks, but yours are so contrasting. It's not fair. When i'm with you, i don't bother with mine because i know you'll see right through it any way. Sometimes i think it's just not worth the effort agonizing over the things you say and do. Those times, i'm thinking with my brain of course. The other, dumber times, are when i'm thinking with my heart, and i can't help but feel some what sad. Maybe even a little annoyed and frustrated.

But since when has what i felt mattered much to you? To go ahead and shorten the question even further, since when have I mattered much to you?

I can't let myself think of such things now. Not during crunch time. I know that, but my heart doesn't. And in the long lonely nights spent listening to Jon Foreman on repeat, i dwell. Yes, i am truly ashamed to admit it, but i dwell a lot. I know i have a tendency to be overly-emotional and over-sensitive. It's just worse when you add a self-esteem like mine to the mix.

Then, there's YOU.

Where do i even begin?

I just don't understand you sometimes. Perhaps it's simply that i never truly knew you that well in the first place. Thing is though, i thought i did. And the best part? You led me into believing that i did. Sometimes i hear or see something about you and i feel so cheated. Perhaps i'm a jealous idiot. No, i know for a fact that i am one, despite (i think) doing a pretty good job at hiding it so far. Sometimes i want to hit you in the face with a recording of everything you've ever said.

The number of times you contradict yourself is quite laughable.

I just really need all these feelings to go away. I have to stop listening to Jon-bloody-Foreman every damn day and start listening to much happier music. Or at least, music that doesn't make me absolutely want to kill myself or get in a serious accident just to escape everything. Such depressing music, and yet it's playing in my head even when i'm not plugged in with my earphones.

I need to get away. I need to take Uncle Scar's advice to Simba and just go far, far away, and never return. I need to curb these emotions. Especially the growing ones for her. Those need to go as soon as possible. Admitting these feelings for you to myself is already such an ice cube to the neck. But at least i'm not trying to run from it. Most times anyway.

Perhaps i shouldn't run away. Perhaps what i need is closure and just a chance to confide.

I have to get up in exactly 4 hours if i want to stand a chance of reaching school on time.

Just another day filled with masks and mirrors. The paint on my masks are fading and chipping. I have no idea how much longer they'll last, but i'm not banking on anything long term.

I feel stretched, like... Butter, but spread over too much bread.

2012-01-26T00:57:00.000+08:00

There's so much to say, but where do i start? Would you listen if i spoke from the heart? Should i stay or should i turn away? Stop playing games, you know it's not fair.

I'm sitting here at my dining table. Green Tea on one side and my mouse on the other, having just completed everything i think i needed to do tonight. In other words, i'm quite literally about to fall over and die from exhaustion, so i don't think i shall do any more work. Yet i'm here typing this, ignoring the burning on my forehead (Yes. Of all times, i choose now to get a freaking fever) and behind my eyes.

There's just so MUCH you know? It's like a mountain you'll never reach the peak of. When the mountain defeated Gandalf (forgot the name), The Fellowship instead decided to go UNDER the mountain through the dangerous Mines of Moria where thence dwelt Shadow and Flame. Maybe that's what i should do. Just change my entire outlook and approach in the hopes that i somehow survive to see my 18th birthday. Whereas the mountain pass is a sure-fail, the Mines seem more and more like the best choice.

And here i am, feeling all sorts of things i should really have no right to be feeling. Sadness is knocking on my bedroom door but i refuse to let it in without a permit this time. That little rascal entered unbidden once, and, come to think of it, never really left. Self-pitying sessions are something i am morbidly, profoundly adept at. It's bad and self-centered i know. But everyone's human. Except maybe NAT LUV. But i digress grossly.

I need a break. To go on a long vacation. Even Bilbo had to leave the comforts and mundane day to day routines of the Shire. Even he got tired, and longed for a break, an adventure, a journey. I need one too. The most promising roads are the ones away from school work. I just want to forget everything and really be an irresponsible son of a bitch and let other people handle things. LocVid being the primary antagonist in the assault on my sanity and physical health.

Now The Eagles are playing "Best Of My Love" on my itunes (by complete random, cross my heart), and it's opening up a whole new can of worms. I shan't let it get to me, because if i do, then the fragile walls i've so hastily constructed are likely to crumble. From dust to dust, just like us.

The temptation to quit gets stronger each day. Though i know i'll never give in, no matter what. CLTC taught me just about 1 thing, and 1 thing only. Never give up hope because time moves in but one direction; forward. And all this will be over soon. The problem is, my CIs never taught me how to weather the storm and brave the winds. They talked about the end, but none mentioned the process.

Maybe i'm like Steven King's Gunslinger. Maybe i'm doomed to forever have the means but never the end result. Doomed forever to live in this cycle of indescribable bullshit, never to succeed. By the way, if you haven't read The Dark Towers series of novels, as soon as you have about a month with nothing to do, pick'em up. It's the epitome of a non-feel-good book, and because i'm masochistic like that, i enjoyed it very much.

Now that that's successfully derailed the entire train of thought of this blog post, i suppose i should mention that not everything is storm clouds and angry thunder claps. My friends are truly every bit the cliche light at the end of the tunnel. I have continually stated on this blog that i have been far TOO blessed with the friends i have. To the point that sometimes i think and KNOW, that i don't deserve friendship like theirs.

Today for instance, i called Chan up and woke the poor dude up at about 7.30am, just to come down all the way to my house to help me return the camera equipment. We cabbed to Ngee Ann poly on his extra day of holiday, and not once did he pull any guilt trips or complain. In fact he assured me it was okay and we had a great breakfast just talking and staring at girls in Makan Place. It's bros like that that get me through the day sometimes.

When i feel (like just 5 minutes ago,) like breaking down and just crying till my throat is hoarse and my eyes are squeezed dry, it's bros and friends like that that make me stop and realize how freaking stupid doing all of that would be.

No, i'm not fine. No, it's no okay. It's not BEEN okay for a long while now. This is going to continue for the next 3 weeks, and no, i really don't know if my body can take more abuse. As it is i'm seeing colors, getting the shivers for no reason, and waking up tired no matter the amount of sleep.

But i know that the clock ticks ever on, and soon it shall be February the 20Th, when i can finally go to bed and think to myself,

It's a wrap.

Come on Skinny Love what happened here?

2012-01-18T00:26:00.000+08:00

It's actually quite funny. The boy stands behind the house, watching the sun set across the city. He looks up and see's the lights of the office buildings going off one by one and he can't help but relate it to the hope in his heart being snuffed out little by little with each passing of days. Oh to meet the catcher in the rye, the catcher in the rye.

^Insane babblings at 2am. I can't go back to sleep despite literally passing out next to Davin and Dynn on the bus ride home. I'm so tired and i'd been nursing a headache the whole day. Nonetheless it seems as though the weight of everything is getting heavier each day.

Is it love? To be so infinitely patient, to be so extraordinarily tolerant of a persons faults, to the point when people point at you and go "There, he's blinded by love". Is that really it? Unconditional and freely given. But perhaps i've been going about it all wrong. So much of me wants something in return. But more of me keeps telling myself to be patient, to be kind, to bend but not break.

Should i just follow Stevie's advice, and not stop till i reach the highest ground? Or follow my own, and quit while i'm ahead? I've tried the latter and it hasn't worked too well. In fact it's had adverse effects. Who's ever theory it was that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction couldn't have been more right.

Yes, i've stopped trying as hard. But i never stopped trying completely. What baffles me to no end, is that i don't see anything on your part. I hate this feeling. It makes me want to simultaneously punch you in the face and hold you in my arms as i ask what's wrong. My mother always told me it takes 2 hands to clap. I've been slapping empty air for awhile now.

I stave off for a little bit, and then you run off and wonder why things have changed, why this and why that and what happened. But the calls, the texts, the whatever. The expectation that i am to light the spark is what angers me, not the fact that there's no fire. I just don't know with you sometimes. You're doing exactly what you've been accusing me of. I'm saddened to see this side of you and even now in my heart and to ____ , i defend and make excuses for you. I can't tell you how much self-loathing one has to have been through to, to still continue to try and search for that all so elusive light at the end of this particular tunnel.

But you know. Maybe i need this. Maybe i need to realize that you're not the person i built you up to be, the person i wanted you to be. The thing is, we had it. We had that indescribable thing. That thing in a relationship that people search for all the time. I won't do it justice by putting it into words, but it's like that instant you jump into a pool of cool, clear water in the middle of a hot and sticky day. The world around is uncomfortable and unbearably warm. But just speaking to you, being with you, makes it all better just like that.

I think Jason Mraz put it really nicely.

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space

To do some navigating

I'll be here patiently waiting

To see what you find

But whatever.

I guess all i can do is keep my negative emotions in check. Despite the outbursts i often fantasize about having.

2012-01-15T23:36:00.000+08:00

What an awesome day today.

Yes it was tiring and the sun was being a terrible SOB, but it was a great day. Got to spend time getting to know my LocVid crew better, and even introduced them to some of my best friends in the world- Ben and Josef. It was great bringing my 2 worlds together, even if just for a little bit. I'm so thankful for my bros and their completely easy-going company.

Michelle needed a shot of Jo and i hugging for an extended period of time? No prob. SOME homo, but no problem. :D They're cool that way and i really can't imagine my life without these people in it. Of course, Chan, Nat and Dyl go without saying as well.

It's days like these that suck in a way because it gives me so much hope and positivity that the crash back down to earth is always harder than it needs to be. I'm trying not to be a total dick and pessimist but still. It's wouldn't be the first time it's happened anyway.

But whatever. I'm trying to be happy and not think about her etc. And with such awesome friends, i think it might actually work for a little while longer this time.

Oh and i really love my phone. All the pics of the outing (including the failed-tumblr-imitation-attempt up above) were taken with my IPhone. Yes Apple, you should pay me for endorsing your products. It's really lovely. In fact my group was thinking of shooting the whole FP with our iPhones. Imagine, we'd cement our place in Ngee Ann Mass Communication history. For better or for worse. Although it'll most likely be the latter.

I've also had a slow-growing want for DSLR for awhile now. And i think after today it's gotten just a little bit stronger. But it's still hard to justify spending over a thousand dollars for something i'm uncertain i want to be really passionate about anyway. Besides i can always borrow from relatives. Still, it's a pleasing thought.

I'm so incredibly tired. I got home to find out i had to entertain relatives and because of reasons i cannot state here, it was tiresome and awkward in so many ways.

But of course Chan came to the rescue by showing up at my place for some much needed bro time.

As such i am really running on empty right now. The only reason i'm up typing this is because my brother's been tasked to sweep our room. It's his week you see. Every sunday it's a new victim for my mother. And she only has 2 choices anyway so...

Anyway, it was an incredible day. Also incredibly tiring, but i'm not complaining one bit.

Wash me white as snow

2012-01-05T23:28:00.001+08:00

Would You create in me 
A clean heart, Oh God
Restore in me
The joy of Your salvation

Wash me white as snow.

I wish i could do that you know. Just leave everything to the big guy above and not worry about whatever. I want to trust him wholly and completely with my life but i know i can't. Not now at least. It's not because i've lost faith, but it's more like because i've been disillusioned i guess. At the risk of sounding really religious-like, i'd say i need to start going to church more. And i don't mean physically.

When i'm there it's like i'm not. My mind wanders and thinks of stupid small things. The priest's words go over my head and i just go through the motions like every one else. I see my brother nodding off next to me and i'm so tempted to do the same. None of my friends are there any more. It's either i don't go to IHM or i just go at different timings.

At least i still have my awesome group mates. My Faith mates haven't been apart in forever. Celine, Jacq, Erica, Terrence. And of course, 2 of the most important people in my life, Kelly and Manda. But i do miss the others sometimes. Now i'm limited to quick smiles and head jerks n acknowledgment whenever i see Sim or Martin. And that's only because they're serving at Altar boys.

I suppose i should've gotten more involved. More active in the youth scene. But after that debacle with CYF and everything that's happened during and after, i'd really wanted to avoid all that again. Yes, it's an excuse that i'm only partially ashamed to hide behind, but still. Because of what i tend to associate youth groups with, i'd rather not go through everything again. It makes me sound like a big fat coward but whatever. I'm not emotionally ready for that shit again.

And recently i've been staying up late listening to Jon Foreman (oh my, i must really sound like a broken record huh?). All his life he's been so devoted and so focused that i wonder if it's even humanly possible. Despite his successes with Switchfoot and whatever, he knows that only God can Cure his Pain and teach him how to die. It's a very wonderous thing. I know i don't know half of his story, but the bits that i do know, i admire very much.

His songs are just so indescribable. Just like how Chris Tomlin described God's love by NOT describing it, i think the same can apply to Jon's music and lyrics. They really mean something. That's not something you hear in music everyday.

These lonely days, these lonely nights have been taking their toll i think. On me. I go out you know. I go out and sit at the park (if you've seen my shared memories video or actually been to my house). It's a really nice and quiet place. I go there to sit and read LOTR, or bring my macbook out and ride on the Childcare's wifi (shhh don't tell anyone). It's such a serene place. Sure, it's probably not the most beautiful place on earth but it's close.

Nowadays, i'm alone pretty much 24/7. Only when my parents come home at 8-ish am i in the company of other humans. And even then they sleep so early. 10-11 and they're off to bed. My bro's handling the sec 1 orientation camp this year, which is a whole 'nother host of memories i don't wanna talk about now. But in a good way.

I think i'm too used to it. The silence, the serenity, the ringing sound you hear when, ironically, it's too quiet. I always loved being by myself. Never had a problem with it. In fact i looked forward to the days when i could just be alone and collect my thoughts. With school lurking around the corner, who knows when that can happen again?

It's just something about the silence i think. For me at least. We live in a world where sound is everything. Take that away and all you have is you and your thoughts. Josh spoke to me about it at length the other day, coming home from Tampines mall. He said it's nice but to be careful because you CAN get too used to being alone. I think i can never get tired of it.

Being alone is great, but i hate being lonely. Does that make sense? I like being alone, but lonely? Nope. I probably sound like a disturbed boy. But i promise you i'm only slightly so.

Plus this stupid locvid script i've been working on has dug up memories of Sarah and Sherms that i really shouldn't be exploring. I'm such a fucking masochist i can't even. When i wrote about it, i didn't even consider them to be factors but as it developed, the character sort of wrote herself. Just for kicks, i named the character Sarah as well. Go figure. I still have that scar you know. Part of the reason i seldom NOT wear jeans.

I still have that scar i got from rollerblading with Sarah and Ash. Happier times those were. Much, much happier. And more carefree too. I miss those times. Too much has happened and i find that i ask myself more and more, "What am i doing here?"

But whatever. Midnight rantings are seldom coherent anyway.

Lord, save me from myself.

2012-01-05T00:27:00.000+08:00

So i've still been listening to Jon's Fall&Winter EPs until today.

I was gonna write a really long post about it. But then SouthBound Train started playing.

Both of His hands, are equally skilled.

2011-12-25T16:53:00.000+08:00

I can't even.

Jon Foreman's Fall and Winter album is just beautiful. There's no other word for it. It's the epitome of subtle worship mixed with his own ponderings. The Cure For Pain is such a meaningful, emotional song. Only someone who's lost an important loved one would be able to write that song and my heart aches every time i hear it.

It's kind of sad i have no one to share this with at home, but i don't care. I shall keep the feelings and emotions to myself.

Sometimes i just really want to sit down and paint like he does. Not with brushes, but with chords. Because that's the only way i can even begin to describe what it is that he does. He digs and he paints. Sometimes you find dirt when you dig on the ground, and sure, your hands will get black and dirty and maybe even bruised from all the digging. But other times, you find a lost city, a buried treasure.

That's what he said songwriting is to him anyway.

There's so much beauty in this world and we're all stuck here wasting our lives away with our daily routines and mundane problems like girls and stuff. This album has really opened my eyes to how small i am you know? Yes i know i'm really short for a guy my age, but that's not what i meant.

Compared to everything in this world we're just so small. Just specks. Ants in an ant hill. At shopping malls and train stations, bus stops and in the nation, do we register each other? That old lady you gave up your seat for, that student you saw dashing down the MRT stairs, that man with earphones watching you from the corner of his eyes. Do we really register these people? It takes less than 3 seconds to forget them. Their faces, their lives, their opinions, their existence.

We're just so, so terribly small and insignificant that i'm incredibly humbled.

By our own collisions, we are the voice of breaking down.

2011-12-22T00:22:00.000+08:00

Today i did exactly 5 things that i've postponed for far, far too long. The first 3 of which i really should've done so long ago i can't even begin to describe how much better i feel because of it. Yes, i did need to get off my lazy ass, and yes, sometimes things don't always go the way you want in terms of schedules and stuff, but i digress. I'd be surprised if this paragraph made an ounce of sense anyway. What the hell am i doing.

First off, i finally was able to meet my bros for cage. Geez it's been so long since the last i just... i can't even describe the feelings. Scored 3 today for Briony, Cecilia and Robbie. If those 3 names mean nothing to you then you seriously just HAVE to go to the nearest DVD/CD store/Rental and pick up Atonement. I just felt like shit after watching it again. But it's the melancholy, heart-about-to-burst-with-sadness-but-you-don't-even-know-why kind of shitty feeling. Anyway, i just thought of them before stepping into the pitch today and what do you know, (yes this is unabashed boasting) i scored exactly 3 goals for the 3 of them.

Wasn't my best performance today but what the hell. I was just so glad to finally be there with my bros and hang out and play The Beautiful game again. This time i didn't call to cancel because of school, i didn't have to decline their offers because i didn't have any LocVid production stuff to settle. No. This time i was there, and it was awesome for the short time that i was. Strangely enough, Bikesh was also there and the catching up we did was great.

Sometimes i feel like i'm drifting, but it's times like these that remind me of the people that will always be there no matter what.

The second thing i did was jam with Josh. I rushed back after soccer to meet him for a nice bro-date at Hougang mall before heading home to finally, finally, finally, FINALLY jam Switchfoot with somebody. Too bad we didn't have a full band. But the feeling of finally being able to jam songs of perhaps the greatest band in the history of greatest bands that are not RHCP or GGD is just too overwhelming to describe.

I didn't have to ask if he knew the songs, because tch, he knew them all. I didn't have to worry about whether the music just goes right over his head, or if he stops and actually contemplates the melody and the meanings, because he already does. I didn't have to censor my absolute, undying love for Switchfoot around him because he knows how much they mean to me and himself.

In this world of rare Switchfoot fans, i was just so glad to finally be able to connect musically with someone on that common basis. Next time, we'll do it with a full band and all. I'll really have to start praying and giving thanks more though. This past week and the hellish week before has made me realize how truly blessed i am. Not to get all religious-ey and shit but i really am struck by how much i've been given in this life, despite how much i complain both internally and externally, about the things i HAVEN'T been given.

The third thing i did was a rather trivial one, but still significant nonetheless. I actually wrote down everything. Yes, everything.

Well ok not really every single little thing, but still. I haven't been updating my journal since sliced bread was invented so yea. After Josh left, i just kinda felt like writing again. So i did.

Fourthly, i actually bothered to think about you today. Maybe it's because seeing all my old bros today set me in a reminiscent mood. Whatever it is, i just wish you the best of luck wherever the hell you are in this world. See, i don't even know which part of the world you're at now. Forgiveness is a virtue that i've taken a really long time to learn and appreciate, but with you, i believe it's something i've finally attained. Bitterness and resentment no longer fill my veins during the rare times when i think of you. Instead i'm treated to a sense of longing and a need for closure. I told myself a long time ago you weren't worth it. But i guess it took my growing up to prove that statement wrong.

And finally, i've acknowledged it. For real this time. No more sneaking around behind in the shadows, no more whispered words and euphemisms, no embellishments, no more lies. No more secret knowing smiles with her, no more nods and sideways glances that we share in amusement and mutual understanding. Because i've acknowledged that there ARE some feelings for you after all. Perhaps it's because of a variety of factors i cannot name (what was the point in writing that down then?) i cannot fully explain in explicit detail. Perhaps it's because i've been blinded by the shining light for so long that i've failed to notice your candle.

Cheesy yes i know, but bear with me if you haven't already done so in the past.

I feel different around you now. I notice things i shouldn't be noticing, things i haven't actually noticed before. Why i feel this way, i'll never know. But until i can rip my heart out and give it the interrogation of it's annoying existence, i doubt i'll ever find out. Trivial as the acknowledgement of said feelings may seem, it's actually pretty huge to me.

Because well, we all know about Voldemort don't we?

But,

Semper Fi.

Mike was right when he said i'd put up a fight to be someone. The fight to be me.

2011-12-14T10:10:00.001+08:00

I'm the king of things I've always
despised
I'm the gingerbread man
Who got eaten alive
I'm half baked! I'm fake!

Hiding tears and fear
That burn like an engine
It drives him away
From the ones that he loves

Mike was right:
"Hey Mike! We're one and the same;
We're the faceless combatants in the
loneliest game"

- Company Car, Switchfoot

Just another apt song for the moment.

I feel like such a jerk for expecting so much. In fact, for expecting at all. I know i shouldn't, and God knows i really should try to acknowledge that sometime. I do sometimes, but in my darker moments it's hard to be consistently rational and mature.

Maybe i just wanna be selfish for once. To take and not give, and really just have something in return. Like i said, my selfishness and self-centeredness really does know no bounds. Really though, just anything in return would be nice. Even if it's the tiniest thing.

Hate it though. Hate it so much.

The recent hopeful feelings.

I guess Jon and i really are faceless combatants in the loneliest game.

On a brighter note, i'm enjoying my time alone. My aunt's place is so... quiet and serene. No construction, no nothing. They leave me alone in the room to do my work and all that, and it's nice. I think the best part is the quiet. The silence can spin me around and no one would give a shit because there's no one TO give a shit. It's a nice change having a room with an actual desk and some semblance of organization.

It's really nice. I think i enjoy being alone too much for my own good. I really do. You can just be yourself, sing random lyrics from random bands, get all the jokes, and just be really rude and obnoxious in your thoughts without really caring what anyone thinks. And the silence, oh the lovely, lovely silence. There's nothing but me, myself, and i. Not in any narcissistic way don't get me wrong, but it's just nice to not care about anyone else's feelings and stuff other than your own for once.

When i play i can just be horribly off tune and strum as loud as i can without anyone complaining. Without anyone to tell me that he/she is doing work/baking/being a douche. It's so nice.

I fear i can get use to this being alone thing.

Because i like it a lot.

And maybe start to wonder how the chaos in our lives, could pass as sane.

2011-12-07T11:11:00.000+08:00

I'm tired of being tired. While that is probably not the deepest statement you will ever hear in life, it's also the most true at this point in time. I'm just so tired and weary everyday.

I try to sleep early, which for me, is quite a stretch. Most nights when i do give my pillows head before 1/2am, i toss and turn in a vain effort to find some modicum of comfort, but to no avail. It's always been like this since i was young. When i was in primary school and "afternoon naps" were not a thing of fantasies and unicorn rainbows, my brain wouldn't shut up either. I think it's a disorder.

This insomnia, this weariness that comes with it. I think there's something wrong with my brain somewhere. This inability to just stop thinking about stupid stuff and leave me the hell alone is getting annoying. It's not even really practical, epiphany-worthy kind of stuff i think about. It's the stupidest things like if i ever met Jon Foreman. If i should have replied your text, or if i should just continue whatever this is. If maybe i've perpetuated this false sense of "Something is wrong" too much.

So the next morning when i lift my hands to my face and rub the sleep from my eyes, i'm annoyed and grouchy and generally not a nice person. Would it be absolutely insanely weird to describe my nights as "Slept, but didn't rest."? It sounds weird to me. But no other way i know of more aptly describes the past few weeks.

Granted, there was that time on Saturday after the LocVid shoot (which is a whole other can of worms i'm not really ready to open right now) that i simply collapsed on my bed and remained motionless for a good 10+ hours. But if i have to completely exhaust myself and drain every cell in my body of energy in order for me to have a good sleep, then there must be something i'm not doing right.

And then there's all of THAT.

But whatever. Like i've said countless times before, my friends make it all worth it.

Getting caught not loving yourself.

2011-12-02T22:03:00.001+08:00

No use in trying to pretend. What can we do if the rumors are true? I turn everything over, turn myself in. There's nothing left for me to defend, i turn everything over, turn myself in.
Rumor has it you love me
Rumor has it your world's turned upside down.
- I Turn Everything Over, Switchfoot

These past few days i've neglected someone a lot. I feel so terribly guilty i want to scream and cry and shout and laugh all at the same time because of the absurdity of it all. The one person i promised i would never let down has been let to the downest of downs and all i can say and do is apologize. I'm sick of apologizing to this person, because it just sounds like whiny, weak excuses you know?

There are some things i can't control, some things that no matter what i do, are bound to hurt that person. He's always putting himself in harm's way, always unwittingly setting himself up to get hurt. As i watch him day by day, i feel more and more sorry for him because i know no matter how many times i try and tell him it'll all be ok, he'll never believe it.

Josh and i have been working over time. We've been trying to quell his fears and dampen his insecurities, but to no avail. We can be there for him all we want but ultimately, it's his choice. He has to decide to want to pick himself up and get up from bed every morning. He has to be the one to throw his pathetic, sleepy ass off of bed to face the new day and everything that it brings.

Sometimes i wonder if he is truly flawed in an irreparable way that no one will ever be able to truly understand. Yes, this all sounds like the rantings of an overly-emo 17-year-old, but it's true and i could care less. It's really just depressing and sad to see him degrade like this.

The worst part is that he's all smiles on the outside. Joking and teasing and laughing through the tears. Sometimes i see his walls crack and i panic. Will i be able to handle it? Will i be able to truly face what we've all sub-consciously agreed to ignore? Most times, the answer is no. But those times that the answer is "yes", it's an experience unlike any other.

He really has to learn to let go of stuff. And not be so overly sensitive about everything. He talks about how he tries not to care and all that, but underneath he's burning up inside at an un-replied text, an un-returned call, or an ignored smile. He tells me and the rest about his plan to let go of Her and just be better at life than he was before. He paints illusions and entire canvases of that fantasy. The fantasy of him being able to let go.

But as he's writing that story in his head, he knows there's only so much paper for him to write on. He knows that "NOW" is the most important. He knows that nothing good comes from dwelling, and nothing he says or do will change that. He knows that only by focusing on "Now" can the future be better. But despite all that, the past comes back in the lonely, dark and cold nights.

When the flurry of activity has died down, and he's back home exhausted and tired beyond belief, he lies on his bed and let's his mind wander. He can't help it. He talks to me. Talks to Dynn sometimes. Often times though, it's her running through his mind. Weaving in and out of his thoughts as and when she pleases. And it scares him so badly, how much POWER she has over him. Because despite much evidence to the contrary, despite everything he's said and resolved to do, he knows deep in his hearts of hearts that "No" is never on the cards when it comes to her.

He knows this and is so utterly afraid because the giant, looming ball of "What the hell for?" is ever-present in his thoughts as well. He tells me he has no expectations. He says he doesn't mind. But we both know he's lying through his teeth. Inside is a mess of emotions and turmoil akin to a hurricane.

Then there's the physical aspect. Because he can't say no to her, because he's so stupidly infatuated with this other female bag of flesh and bone, because he just can't seem to back down when he's ahead, because some where in the back of his mind, buried under miles and miles of self-doubt and self-centered thoughts of insecurity and mind-numbing stupidity, there's this hope that he'll get a return of some sort.

I never said he was smart.

Because of all the above, he's tired every day. Emotionally, physically. Sleep hasn't been coming to him often. And when it does, he just sorts of loses consciousness rather than drifts off to sleep. Snips of 3-5 hours here and there. The assignments and every thing else are weighing down on him and i can see that. Other people can see that. But no. He won't acknowledge it till he finally breaks and burns out. He knows when that burn out happens, it won't be pretty. I know it won't.

As much as he knows all of this, he's still willing to face another day because of the people in his life. He knows that if not for his pals, he'd have given up a long time ago. If not for every one just being there, he'd just cave in. That, and Switchfoot.

So every day when i meet him, i tell him to remember all of that.

When i say all of the above to him, he nods.

Then i turn away from the mirror.

IMPORTANT Note to self:

2011-11-26T21:25:00.001+08:00

Listen to Josh more.

Shared Memories

2011-11-23T01:16:00.001+08:00

So i've just got home after sending the rest back and i've got to say, today was a really good day. Physically and emotionally. My cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing for once, other than from my biting the inside of my cheeks to keep from screaming and yelling. Which is kind of a nice change.

I'm so tired but it was so worth it.

Filming our vid was great, hilarious fun but it was also kinda weird at first. For reasons i'm sure most will know, our storyline was kinda laden with many things for me. But what the hell.

Hated that i couldn't stop sweating. Hated my hair too. Felt so disgusting but there was no time to bathe and all because we were losing daylight fast. We lugged all our equipment crap to my humble abode and used the park near it for the bulk of the storyline.

It was hard work and the "fight" scene took so many takes cause Mich's cousin and i kept bursting out in laughter. I was supposed to act angry and all that but each time i tried to look disappointed and sad and outraged, we just spontaneously smiled and giggled. Simply making eye contact induced full -blown laughter, seemingly for no apparent reason. Thinking about it now, i'm hard-pressed to find what was so funny. My stomach hurt from laughing so much and the day was wearing on me but damn it was so hard to stop laughing.

We had our fair share of flaws, and the script and shot plans were rather hastily cobbled together over skype conversations late at night. I was most at fault for having to do so many takes. Still i think we did a decent job. Probably won't win any awards or even begin to compare to Josh's vid, but i wouldn't change my locVid group for all the fame and fortune in the world <3.

After wrapping up, we sat down to do the voiceover and wait for my parents to get home with dinner.

That's the best thing in the world really. Being able to sit down with great pals and just talk and have a good time. Turns out my dad is Mich's cousin's former Vice-Principal, so of course, being the awesome friends that we are, we had a good laugh about his discomfort. But i think it's cool because i'll never in a million years envision myself in Mr. Anith's house, hanging out with his kid and having dinner.

My mum sent everyone back and we had another awesome, long car ride. It was filled with what Tolkien would probably describe as "merry-making". There's a phrase you don't come across often anymore, but i can tell you, much merry was made in that small car. Bonus awesome points to Mich and Cam to singing along to the songs i played that i didn't even think they'd know. For some reason, Pumped Up Kicks has been stuck in my head the entire day. Even as i type this i'm listening to the acoustic version on YT.

After helping Cam drag the equipment to her place (which omg is so close to school i could just die of jealousy), my mum and i had a nice catch-up session on the way home. It's been forever since we've been able to talk. School has become my home, and my home the place i shit and sleep at.

You know, filming shared memories has made me realize just how much we take things for granted. Yes, i can hear the groans already at the mention of such a cliche sentence. I can practically see your eyeballs rolling even before posting this. But you know, it's true. Plus there really wasn't any other way that i could phrase it that wasn't also NOT a cliche. Or at least, i can't be bothered to surf whatever is left of the tired mush that is my brain to find a good euphemism.

Simple things like bus rides to and from Ngee Ann Poly. I think i'm going to miss those. Simply just being on the bus with a sense of purpose, watching people caught in their own world milling about the bus. Having the Goo Goo Dolls plugged in and looking out the window watching the blurry shapes pass by, thinking about life, and occasionally pretending i'm performing whatever song is playing on my ipod in front of thousands of screaming fans... Just pure, innocent moments in life when nothing really matters except whatever's in that small bubble you have around yourself.

Even things like staying up till 4am, then waking up at 6am ready to start a 9-6pm day in school. Someday, i won't be able to do that. Someday, my body will start degrading and all those late nights and early starts will be a thing of the past. Something that will always start with a "Remember when we could..." I don't think about such small, trivial things often, but when i do, it's like such a big hit on my head and heart. Because no matter how much i don't want it to, someday all this will be gone.

Time moves only forward and the only thing we have left of ages past are our memories. No matter how vague it may be, if it's there, then you know deep in your hearts of hearts, that you had that experience. They say that our experiences shape us and make us who we are. Never before have i seen the utter, profound truth in that statement. I believe our memories define our very being, and without them we're just crooked souls trying to stay up straight.

Don't even get me started on the PEOPLE that you share memories with. I'm too tired to even attempt to open that can of worms. Also, my eyes hurt. I think a combination of staying up late and heavy illustrator use has had severe detrimental effect on my already piss-poor eyesight. But oh well. What's life without a few bumps?

Well it's 1:05am and i have so much friggin work to do.

Better get started on Medsoc.

Life is a day that doesn't last for long

2011-11-21T14:29:00.000+08:00

The more i listen to Switchfoot, the more i find myself questioning things. Like what i'm doing with my life, and what life is doing to me.

Sometimes it just strikes me you know? On the bus to school, on the way home, lonely days spent home alone. It just hits me how small we all are. How insignificant our every day problems are. Here we complain about waking up early for school, whilst people elsewhere aren't sure if they're going to even wake up.

It's just that this world has so much more to offer us than this. To offer ME than all of this crap. Ok fine, not ALL of it is crap, there is so much that i have to be grateful and thankful for. The people in my life are the most important things in it, and God has blessed me with so much.

But there's always this feeling that there's something MORE. As cheesy and cliche as it sounds, it's like there's something telling me to go out and see the world. Build a school for some children, bungee jump, hop into Niagra falls, stand at the top of the Grand Canyon and shout till my throat is a lake of fire. Just go out there and LIVE.

Dance Dance Dance~!

2011-11-18T10:37:00.000+08:00

Omg words just cannot express how i love the Chili Peppers.
Made this wallpaper awhile ago using photoshop, because a picture paints a thousand words, so i figured that multiple pictures of my favourite man in the world would be apt. But actually no, because no amount of words can describe my love for this guy, and what his work has meant to me.

<3

Tired, but reflective.

2011-11-16T00:36:00.001+08:00

Literally.

It's 12.03am and i'm still going through marcomm notes. Why? It's only 10 MCQ questions. The Gabrielite in me would've been sleeping hours ago and waking up to study in school like half an hour before the test. But now it's all so different. Grades like this matter and a 5% test might as well be an full-fledged exam in St Gabs with how much effort i'm putting into it. Actually, the fact that i'm putting in effort at ALL for an MCQ test contrasts starkly with the St Gab's style.

But i'm tired.

Well perhaps tired isn't really the right word. I'm more weary than anything else.

It's exhausting having to keep up any kind of masks all the time. When you cover yourself in layers and layers of what you think other people want you to be, you start to lose yourself. I know because i'm not sure who i am anymore. Whoa sound profound and deep and philosophical eh? It could be, were it not just stupid thoughts from a stupid boy with an overactive mind.

It's just that sometimes i want to be who I want to be you know? Not the person i think others would like, or the person i let myself be around them, or the person i have to keep in check around certain people. At the end of the day, when i look myself in the mirror, i just keep asking myself, "For what?"

Because i don't want to alienate what friends i have? Because i'm so hard up about my perceived reputation that even the slightest action that would cast me in a likewise perceived negative light, scares the heck out of me? Why and what for, are the 2 questions battering away the defenses of my logic. My warped, twisted logic yes.

And then there's the OTHER major problem.

I can't say what i want to, neither SHOULD i say it. As it is, whatever i allow myself to say, whatever i allow myself to feel, is already too much. The guilt eats away inside when she leaves and i hate it. It feels exactly like the cold interior of a bus. Like one of those journeys home, in the dark of the night, with condensation running down the windows, fogging them up. The top deck of the bus with the lights turned on. It feels exactly like that. So many seats, so many lights, so many opportunities, but all you see and feel is the emptiness, the HORRIBLE, gaping black hole in your heart that is NOTHING but terrible emptiness, and the cold chill of the air-conditioning pressing on you.

That's exactly what it feels like. And for the longest time, i thought no one would ever understand. Sometimes i'm so high up in self-pity it disgusts me. I ask myself if this is who i am, forever wallowing and whining and singing the same tune until eventually my friends wise up and leave. Then i tell myself that no good ever comes on dwelling, and that if you don't trust yourself, NO ONE will. But it's just nice to have someone else understand you know?

Understand what it's like to be in the middle, to have 2 people fight and be caught in between. Every action, every breath, could be a mistake because relationships are so fragile and petty. Trust is a fucked up thing because it could take 10 years to build and earn, but a mere 10 seconds to break and vanish.

Understand what it's like to have to bite your tongue so hard it bleeds because there's so much you want to say, so much you HAVE to say, so much so that if you don't, you feel like the words inside claw at the inside of your chest. And they won't stop until somehow, someway, you release them. For me, i'm am so blessed to have people i can talk to when my selfish words and self-centered reasonings threaten to chafe my insides raw.

Understand what it's like to feel so out of place and so terribly under qualified, that every command, every dictation is met with a tidal wave of self-doubt and terrible fear. To be so strung-up and lack so much self-confidence that even a simple question is long considered and carefully structured many times over in your mind until you're sure that it's as void of any and all negativity as possible.

For the longest time, there was this form of chanting in my head, ala "Sharkbait". It was that if she was happy, then i would be too. For so long i've kept telling myself that. It didn't matter that it hurt so badly every time. It didn't matter that sometimes all i wanted to do was run out and scream until my throat was a river of fire. Because as long as i could be what i thought she needed me to be, then nothing else mattered.

But as it stands, it's all changed because she's NOT. I can't tell her the things i want to, and i doubt i ever will. They say to do it anyway, but as it stands, i'm already so screwed with so many things i've said and done. The choices i've made are probably poorer than that homeless dude playing the flute at 313. So i'll NEVER take their suggestions. I'm sorry Josh but i can't. Yes, i'm a big fat pussy. Whatever. I won't do it and if i did, i'll never forgive myself.

There are days i want to tell her so badly that the words strangle me with such force that i have to clench my jaw. Then there are other days when i tell myself not to care and not to bother and just live life without all these complications. But worst of all are the days when i forget all of what i just typed, and everything starts back from square 1. Those are the days that the nights are long and the journeys home seem so bloody far. Those are the days that i feel so pathetic, because some small part of me enjoys it. The fact that someone else has so much trust in me, so much faith my ability to listen and be neutral that it's hard not to feel good. A puffed up chest, a smirk of pride.

But after all of that is when things go downhill. Some days, quite literally.

Because a peacock can puff up his chest and spread his beautiful feathers. But at the end of the day it's still just a peacock, small and weak, relying on outward appearances to deceive others.

I was never much of a masochist, but recent events have proven otherwise.

Life's never fair? Then maybe i don't want to live.

2011-11-14T20:39:00.001+08:00

It's not fair.

It's not fair how much you don't deserve her and yet still have her.

It's not fair how i know i can be better, but i can't because it's not meant to be.

It's not fair how i hit the post twice today, and once on the crossbar. It's not fair how i keep getting put as right-back either.

It's not fair how you don't know how much i love- yes, LOVE, you.

It's not fair how my mouth tastes like ash every time you leave because of all the lies i've spouted about his and that.

It's not fair how i want to kill myself and feed my corpse to the birds because i feel so guilty for lying to you in the first place, even though i know it's for both our goods.

It's not fair how pathetic i am, because even though it kills me inside, even though my heart literally hurts, even though i want to rip his head off and use it as a football, i still treasure every single moment because that's all i'll ever have.

"She's the empty waste!"

2011-11-07T22:12:00.001+08:00

Singing without tongues
Screaming without lungs
I want more than my lonely nation
I want more than my lonely nation
Desperate we are young
Seperate we are one
I want more than my desperation
I want more than my lonely nation
- Switchfoot, Lonely Nation

Remember how i said i'm glad things were getting better, and that i don't care or don't need all of this crap?

Fuck that.

Chop chop who says i'm gonna win big?

2011-11-05T10:52:00.000+08:00

I just want this to be over. i just really really really want this all to fucking end.

After last night, death doesn't seem like so bad a thing.

Yea i'm probably over-reacting and shit but MY GOSH WHAT A FREAKING TANGLED WEB I'VE WEAVED.

As much as i know it's not my fault for some things, but man this is so screwed up. It's really really so screwed. Everyone is not helping matters and my family... are about as helpful as they've ever been with this kinda stuff. In other words, not helpful at all.

They wouldn't understand, and my "friends" won't understand, so what the hell am i supposed to do. I guess i should take comfort in the fact that things are ok between us now. I think i needed to hear those things she said to me, and i think she needed to hear the things i said to her. You know if this is what it's going to be like from now on, with all the assumptions and judgements and not-so-silent accusations, then i'm not sure how much more i can take.

Perhaps i've been to naive. Perhaps it's because i've had the luxury and prestige of coming from St Gabs secondary, where some of the most amazing people in my life have been introduced to me. Perhaps i just thought a lot better about other people. Perhaps i'm just an idiot who trusts too much, who thinks too much of the best of others. So much so that i'm blinded to the fact that yes, they're human, and subject to mistakes and not-so-occasional moments of fucking idiocy as much as i am.

You know maybe i'm going about this all the wrong way. Maybe i care too much. Maybe it's because i really just have to learn how to say "No". Maybe it's because i EXPECT so much from so many people that when reality pulls the metaphorical rug, i'm left with nothing to hold on to as i free-fall into the abyss.

I hope all this crap gets settled down. I really do. But trying to help has, in my past experiences, had the tendency to make things so much worse than they are already. Plus there's the added fact that trying to help would equate to my life ending at the hands of the people who aren't supposed to know that i know what i do know.

But like i said.

I like that things are better now. Not "BETTER" per se, but better than before. I still can't believe how stupid i've been. How did i not think of her of all people? The most important person in my life and i selfishly disregard her feelings as though it wasn't worth anything. In reality, it's worth more to me than anything in the damn world.

And i finally realize now that maybe we're not meant to be. A few weeks ago, that revelation would've killed me and left me on the verge of letting everything out. But now it just feels like it was more of an eventuality than anything. Acceptance has come after surprisingly little amounts of dwelling and consideration, somewhat of a first for me.

So why does it still feel otherwise?

I need to go away. Like just somewhere to take a breather. No, not escape. Not run away.

Just to take a huge, relaxing, (rather selfishly) hugely-deserved break.

Weird

2011-11-01T22:45:00.001+08:00

Let's go in order ok?

I love her.
We were in school on time today. Van was with us. Just... wow.
P & D are getting better. I hope.
Cam didn't ask questions today.
Sam and i actually did some decent catching up.
3 bus 74s were full after school, so we took 151 instead after waiting for an hour.
Josh talked to me about her.
I went home ALONE today. For the first time since...
As i walked past my house's bus stop, 3 bus 74's passed by. W. T. Actual. F.
As i was being emo in my room, "Under the Bridge" came on the radio my mum was listening to downstairs. It's like they KNEW.
Had the weirdest, strangest convo with Cam on a google doc.
Tried Minecraft for the first time. Freaky.
Jennifer texted me about Foxtrot.
Wei Ling thinks i'm cute (wtf)
B texted me about stuff.
I hope B is alright.

Weird day, or what?

Rise above it

2011-11-01T22:27:00.000+08:00

Had an... interesting talk today.

Tried not to let it affect me on the bus ride back, but it did and i feel a little bad for ignoring the others. Dynn, Vin and Davin were there too and i sorta didn't wanna talk to them. But it was nothing they did and i dunno. I may be thinking too much but i think i acted kinda like a jerk.

But still.

Lots to think about.

The stranger in the mirror's wearing my clothes.

2011-10-31T21:58:00.000+08:00

This morning i really didn't recognize myself in the mirror. For reals.

I looked at the boy standing inside that world of glass and i said to him, "You're gonna score today!"

So naturally, i didn't, and the game ended 0-0. But it was a short, tight game so that's ok. At least i had more industrious team mates this time round. As in, i wasn't the only one running and all that so yea. I have come to the shocking conclusion that a LOT of people in my soccer class didn't choose soccer as their first choice. While that is utterly inconceivable to me, i now better understand their motivations. Or rather, the lack there of.

And then everything just sort of spiralled out of control after the relatively great morning.

I just don't know. It was all going fine and dammit it should've been fine. But it's just me i guess. I'll never let myself enjoy a day when she's not in my arms. Which is code for "every-freaking-day." I really try not to get to down, because it's no use dwelling and mulling over things that should've, would've and could've been. But it's still something i tend to do oh say, every minute mostly.

I wanted nothing more than to just... do something. My arms always feel so empty all the time now.

But you know, if it ain't meant to be, then it ain't. I have no intentions of being a jerk and i think i've done enough to not even go there if this thing ever blows past.

Thing is, i really want to stop my feelings, but i know that's stupid.

This morning, i told the boy in the mirror that this would be day #1 of operation: Stopping those feelings.

Needless to say it was a complete and utter waste of time because i failed in oh, about 4 hours. But for those 4 hours, i felt so much better just playing soccer and having fun with my IJ mates, who are really just 4 of the most hilarious females on the planet at the moment.

For those 4 hours, there was no her, no idiotic thoughts, no me.

And i liked that a lot.

What can you do, when something as simple as a song pretty much sums up nearly EVERY SINGLE THING in your life?

2011-10-29T23:56:00.000+08:00

I've been awake for an hour or so
Checking for a pulse but I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a ghost?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I wanna thrive not just survive

I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

Thrive- Switchfoot, Vice Verses.

Life in 6 lines

2011-10-28T00:16:00.000+08:00

Oh no look what you've done you've made a, fool of everyone.

Today was nothing short of crappy except towards the end. In fact the last 3 days have sort of blended together with the amount of sleep i've gotten. It's like Malacca all over again without the fun and friends part.

Mixed signals. Don't you just hate those? I feel like pulling my hair out and just slamming my face against the floor sometimes, with all the frustrations boiling up.

Do you wanna know something screwed up?

Everyday now this past week i've had to physically restrain my arms from straying. I've had to sit on them and use whichever hand is not next to to hold the other hand down to prevent said held down hand from moving around .

It's so screwed up. Josh said don't be cold but guard your heart.

Sorry J-man, but my heart's already out there on the front lines alternating between being riddled with bullets and being touched quite literally with an angel.

Oh and i puked today, yay me. Davin's such a freaking awesome pal. In Malacca, after that one horrible night that had Dynn and i shivering and feverish as shit, and today and countless other instances, he's always been there to help me. When i can't face her or look at myself in the mirror after spilling my guts out all over the floor/sink/toilet bowl because of my fucking stupid decisions, he's there to pull me up and get me a bandung.

I'd say i'll never do what i did today again, because my choices lately have been vastly disproportional to my level of intelligence. After this week however, i'm starting to question the existence of said intelligence in the first place. But knowing myself, i'll end up doing it all over again.

Because for that short while, i was free and light and there was no her in my life. Which just made the crash down that much worse.

And Kelly... oh shit she's supposed to be my BFF. My sister from another mother, my dark-Angel. And what do i do? I keep secrets from her that she has every right to know. I really fucking hate myself sometimes. I've told her said secrets but the fact i even developed the conscious thought to keep them from her in the first place just makes me question my right to exist.

But as always, Switchfoot dulls the pain for awhile.

Until the earphones come off and the real world rushes back in.

I just need to vent.

2011-10-24T01:54:00.000+08:00

http://exclusive-chelseafc-club.tumblr.com/post/11824337729/fuck-off-chris-foy

This guy up there did everything right. No duh, he's not me. He's just some random, Chelsea supporting fan on tumblr. Believe you me, there's alotta people like that out there. Just saying.

Sure we lost 1-0. Sure our whole team were on yellow cards. Sure we were down to 9-men. Sure the ref was shit.

But the thing is, we never gave up.

We just didn't know when to quit. Malouda, Lampsy, Terry, everyone. I just cannot even BEGIN to describe how much affection i have for those guys. Such guts and fighting-spirit make the heart of Chelsea Fc.

Bare with me here, if you don't support Chelsea ok? Even if you don't even watch/follow soccer, just hear me out.

It was so moving. It was heart-wretchingly moving. I know it sounds really stupid, but such is the depth of my love and affection for this team that sometimes feels like home to me.

We dominated the second-half despite the fact that it was 9men against 11men. Granted, quality-wise, our finishing was really shockingly poor and we SHOULD have won. BUT.

Our guys ran our butts off today. They worked their legs out so much that i could see the strain affecting them in their movements. As avid a supported i am, i can't bare to see these men that i look up to and (call me crazy but) have come to love and respect trying so damn hard to win one back for the team just moved me you know?

It was like Istanbul all over again minus the comeback.

It was just beautiful to watch.

And after what happened on Friday, i didn't want to cry in front of my brother again. Ever for that matter.

It's just that they showed so much damn PASSION for ChelseaFC. So much determination and strength and resilience to not even concede a SINGLE shot on target the entire second half. It's simply amazing. I could easily rip the shitty ref a new one, but i choose to focus on the positives.

I won't be surprised if Terry and Lampsy and co all have aches and everything when they head back home today. I just hope they know that out there, their fans appreciated every moment of the game. We appreciated every single blade of grass covered, every single part of themselves they willingly gave, to just try and pull one back for the team.

What really did me in was seeing Ashley Cole's tears of frustration after he missed a header. I just couldn't anymore. I excused myself to my room and just sat there for awhile to calm myself down. It just displayed how much he cared about Chelsea, how much he gives of himself emotionally and physically to the club.

Fast forward to the post-match conference.

AVB's voice cracked a little when he said "I think we have to praise my team's performance. I'm proud of my boys despite the loss" Or something to that effect. But i heard that slight change, that slight crack, that slight lowering of the eyes as he told millions of people around the world, just how proud he was of the 9 men who gave all of themselves out there on the pitch for his club. And what more can a fan ask for, to have a manager to devoted to the club that he's VISIBLY moved by what he sees on the pitch?

I know this may sound stupid. Everything, all of it, whatever. I know that tonight when i go to sleep, i'll be thinking of how much i love ChelseaFC.

And i know that those players that earn Millions of dollars a month will go home to their mansions and fancy cars and expensive things. And i know that none of what i've typed or what i feel even now, is going to matter to any single one of them.

But i still love them anyway. With all my heart and soul. Isn't that what being a fan is all about?

It's 2am, i have school at 8am tomorrow, and i doubt i'll be able to get a wink of sleep.

Keep the blue flag flying high.

Masks

2011-10-23T00:11:00.002+08:00

So uhm. Wow.

I don't know really. Sometimes i feel like i don't know anything anymore. I've been staring at an empty post screen for an hour and maybe just giving my fingers something to type might help.

It's really just indescribable really. No one will ever understand that. I think because i'm that much dumber and more idiotic than everyone else. Which is why probably no one will probably be in this stupid, stupid, screwed up situation i find myself in.

Yesterday was really bad.

There's no other way to describe and if it wasn't for Lindsay, i have no idea what i might've done.

Probably something stupid.

I guess it just got to that point when i couldn't anymore you know? Like i think everyone can relate to this. There's this point, this line, this limit, that you have, to how much you can take.

And yesterday i reached it and i embarrassed myself infront of Lindsay and i just don't even feel ashamed for that anymore.

It's just that i'm so, so SICK. I'm sick of all of it you know? I'm annoyed and frustrated and have i mentioned, SICK OF EVERYTHING? IT JUST FUCKING SUCKS SO MUCH.

All the "acting hyper" throughout the week, all the laughing while i'm dying inside, all the fucking secrets. It's not even funny anymore. It was a little before, but now i'm just so fucking tired of it. I want to stop but i can't. I really, really do. But you make it so much harder everyday and no one can know that.

All that joking and shit just to cover up everything that's going on. Cam says i keep too much inside. If only she knew. If only they ALL fucking knew.

I don't ever want to go back to that place i was last night.

And it's only week 1.

That getting into Soccer for S&W was the best thing for me so far this week really just sums it all up.

Pretty little ditty in a sea of distress.

2011-10-17T20:02:00.000+08:00

I actually didn't want to tell a lot of people, because i didn't want it to seem like i was playing the sympathy card or anything like that.

But i should've known that people were bound to ask anyway when i didn't turn up for school today.

My left ankle's been pretty screwed since Saturday and i can only start to climb the stairs without stopping in the middle landing to rest my arms and right leg. Everyone keeps asking me how i made it home that day after Cage, because it was really badly swollen and all that. Well truth is, as corny as this is gonna sound, all i did was have the sheer determination to get my sorry butt home. Daryl helped immensely by taking the bus with me all the way to the front of my house just to make sure i didn't make a fool of myself along the way.

Seriously, what on earth did i do to deserve such friends like him?

Anyway, it's really annoying because even simple things like getting up at night to pee is challenging as heck. I can't walk normally and those of you who've seen the inside of my room, you'd know that i'd have to navigate cables and all that crap.

Of course, after that near-suicidal Saturday night, i moved all my guitar stuff to the study. I'm moving it back in soon though. My room just doesn't feel the same without the mess of cables and amps and guitars. Hopefully, it'll be the last time i'll have to part from them because of a stupid, stupid accident.

Went to the good doctor at hougang mall and he wrapped up my ankle while telling us to get an X-ray today just incase there was a fracture or something. It was doubtful because i could move my toes and everything but dear mama Reyes wanted to make sure. Turns out it's just a serious sprain that no bones were harmed in the making of.

But hey, at the risk of sounding remarkably like Nat, despite my injury that day, i still scored 2 goals. 1 for Chelsea FC, and 1 for my bro Dynn. Suffice to say i have yet to witness stupidity of a higher level, because my ankle really ballooned after that. I should've stopped playing but the combination of several facts helped me push on.

#1, it was the last cage of the holidays. And for a long while.
#2, i was looking forward to this all week.
and
#3, it's soccer. It cannot be denied my full 100%.

So i have an MC till Weds. But i'm probably just gonna brave it and go to school tomorrow. I mean it's the first lectures of important modules and i wouldn't be comfortable missing it. I've downloaded and tried to mentally fill up the lecture notes for Macomm and Gracomm but by jeez i have no idea what 50% of the stuff is about. Granted, there are a few parts i was able to figure out simply by trawling through various online business guides, but still.

I hope i get into soccer for S&W. Despite the surprisingly negative reports i've heard about that particular choice for S&W, i think it'll be great anyway because even if we spend 2 hours learning how to dribble and shit, i'll at least be doing something i love with all my heart. Too bad there isn't any music module like thingy out there. I'd sign up for that in a heartbeat.

Oh and,

ever get the feeling of horrible emptiness when you realize you just might be being ignored by people you care about?

She took the shortcut, to being fully grown.

2011-10-13T03:30:00.000+08:00

How do i explain this.

Like when i see someone upset or just being generally unhappy, i want to help.

But at the same time, i don't want to intrude and stuff. It may sound stupid, but most times i so just want to ask if someone is fine, but i don't because i stop and ask myself if it's any of my business. And 50% of the time? It isn't. And really, that's ok. I don't need to know everything and anything that goes on in everyones life. But from experience, just knowing that there's someone out there who actually gives 2 shits to text or call or something, is quite awesome.

I think it may come across as very superficial when i say that even a dropped tweet or an IM is comforting in the sense that well, there are people you can rely on you know? Despite the vast majority of people who are the exact opposite. Of course, i'm not a big advocate of constantly airing your dirty laundry, but who am i to talk right?

Last night was... interesting. I have no idea why i posted that stupid post below. But i shall leave it there as a reminder of my tendency to just type whatever comes to me at almost any given time. And that's the same for my journal too. If i ever lost it in public and someone found it, they'd probably call IMH to check if they've lost a patient or two.

School's starting and i'm excited. Yes yes i can see the nerd tags forming above my head already, but meh. School's actually fun now. Last time, i had no real purpose you know? It was like "Learn this, vomit this, rinse and repeat". All the subjects i took in Sec sch and Primary school... I always had to ask myself and constantly ponder on one question- "Wtf am i doing?"

I don't need to give the "Parent's" answer and say it's for your future and shit like that right?

Anyway, for the first time in my life, i'm going to school more or less knowing how my future's gonna shape up. I wouldn't say i have a crystal clear purpose as to what i want, but the beginnings of a draft is already in place. I like my course, i love my modules (Ha. See if i'll be singing this tune next month or so) and perhaps most of all, i love my classmates. I am truly blessed, as i think i've repeated too many times.

Not to end on a sour note or anything,

But i freaking miss you.

Guess that i was afraid that if you rolled away, you might no roll back in my direction real soon.

2011-10-12T20:31:00.000+08:00

Where do i even begin?

Should i really even start at all? Because i don't want anyone to take anything the wrong way. It's the extreme paranoia in me speaking when i say that sometimes, it's best if you don't say what's really on your mind.

It's just that, like i told Van, it gets really tiring after awhile.

Its heavy on the soul you know? It's not really an emotional weight when you come to think about it, and it definitely isn't a physical one.

Maybe i should just shut up and be thankful that people trust me so much. Because i am. I truly am. It means the world to me to have someone's trust. I know for myself personally, it takes a long while to really TRUST someone and i imagine it's the same for most people.

I know this post is probably super confusing and all.

What a fucking fucked up tangled web we've weaved eh Mr. D?

Boy, you're gonna carry that weight, carry that weight a long time.

2011-10-08T00:46:00.000+08:00

If i had my way, everyone will know who the Beatles are. There'd be an official Beatles day in Singapore when everyone will stay at home, turn on the radio and tune to the station dedicated to the Beatles. MY station. Thank God i'm in Mass Comm. I'm so, so tired of people going "Huh what the bug arh?" whenever i ask them if they know the Beatles.

*End Nat rant*

I think i want to travel the world. Sometimes all i think about is escaping this island of people and just going out there to do things people only dream about. I don't really have the means now, but think about it. Just flying off to a random country. No iPhones, and the Push Notifications that come with said phones. No obligations to anyone or anything other than yourself.

Wishful thinking i know, but hey, a guy can dream can't he?

I suppose the thing is, i've always wanted to escape from stuff. When i was younger, it was Manda i went to when i wanted to escape from my parents and my brother. Now it's different, but still. When i wanted to escape from my home, my aunt and ah po always took me in. In fact, i spent most of my childhood at my ah po's house. Now i just wanna get away from all of this for awhile. Malacca was amazing, but i don't know. Heck, i don't even know what i'm typing.

But don't you ever feel like just leaving everything behind? All that emotional baggage and stupid teenage insecurities and self-esteem issues, who needs them? That's rich coming from me i know, but i just want to GET AWAY sometimes you know? It's not that i hate Singapore. I have awesome friends here. It's just a thought that gets so very appealing sometimes.

Speaking of awesome friends... i guess i have to apologize. To myself mostly, but maybe to some others too.

I have this tendency to not see what's right infront of me till it's gone. It happened with HER and i'm not gonna do that again. My bros are really too awesome for words. It's like what did i ever do to deserve pals like them? Sure they have their faults and i'm pretty sure the security cameras in the Dhoby Gaut lifts are filled with our footage (inside joke), but they're the best people in the world really.

So whenever i feel like i'm ignored by my other... friends i suppose you could say. When i feel like shit because i'm not paid attention to. When i want to just curl up and die when she tells me she can't talk because she's with her boyfriend. I always forget to remember what great bros i already DO have. Yes, i admit that i do take them for granted at times. But that's exactly my point. I'm not gonna do that anymore.

What i'm saying is, i have a lot to be thankful for. My bros are a big part of that. And Kelly too.

So i shouldn't be whining and moping about because of things. I shouldn't feel so insecure about so many things. I shouldn't care too much about other people's opinions about me because i have people with me whose opinions DO actually matter. And whenever i forget all of that, and remember it after a bout of self-pity and brooding, i feel extremely guilty.

Yesterday at that stayover at Nat's place, and the cage outing before that reminded me what was important to me. Specifically, the people who are important to me. That being said, I miss Dyl terribly. It's like whenever Nat, Chan and i hang out, there's something missing because you ain't there bro (if you're reading this). Like Gary Cherone said in Hole-Hearted, "A circle can't fit where a square should be".

But then... there's you.

It's just crazy really, how quickly things fell apart. Maybe the only explanation is that we both grew up. It's nuts to blame something like growing up but i think that was the main thing. I try not to dwell on what we HAD so much as what we are going to have. All the same, i miss you terribly. It's like an ache that doesn't go away no matter how much i massage it or how much i try to ignore it. Some small, cruel and arrogant, self-serving part of me hopes you feel the same way too.

Because no one deserves to hurt alone.

That being said, you've made your bed and i totally understand now. I'm not sad or angry really, despite how very emo that last paragraph was. I just miss you. Like an old friend. Because that's what we are really, when it comes down to defining our relationship now.

OLD friends.

Girly Apples.

2011-10-06T22:07:00.001+08:00

Girls are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree.

The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid

of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground

that aren't as good, but easy.

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them,

when in reality, they're amazing.

They just have to wait for the right

boy to come along,

the one

who's brave enough to climb all the way

to the top

of the tree.

"It's all the same. Only the names have changed" - Bon Jovi, Wanted Dead Or Alive

2011-10-01T21:08:00.000+08:00

I have so many ideas for so many music videos. Filming them would be very... difficult though.

Whisper words of wisdom, Let It Be.

2011-09-28T17:37:00.000+08:00

I love my poly pals. No amount of words and paragraphs can ever convey the level of affection i have for people like Pheebs, Dynn, Mich and Davin. Because certain people read my blog, i cannot fully explain this sudden exclamation of love for my friends, but just know that it's always been there, and it's only getting stronger. Like i said, there's no way something so mundane as words are going to be able to adequately replicate what i feel for them, so yea. My diary's already choked up with cheesy shit about that as is.

These past 2 days have been a roller coaster ride of (literal) crap and achievement.

Crap because i'm sick as all get out. Fever was at 39 degrees last night and dammit, i'm STILL vomitting. It's been 2 days already for shit's sake. I feel cold and hot and cold and hot and the night times are the worst times because i'd wake up from a freaking horrible dream and find my shirt/singlet soaked in sweat. Like really drenched in sweat, so much so that i can't NOT wear a top to sleep because that'd ruin the bed.

I could go on, but i'm trying to stop this whole self-pity thing. I may have mentioned it before, but self-pity is something i tend to do very well. It's for sure unhealthy as hell, and i know it's wrong and stuff. But i can't help myself sometimes. Especially when i miss you so much, and wonder why we can't just hang out. And then i remember why, and all that rush of negative emotions come back in one fell swoop. Sometimes i think it'd have been easier if i didn't meet you, if i didn't feel this way about you. But fate's a fat bitch.

So all that usual boring, whiny, emo, self-centered crap aside, the achievement part!

Let It Be has one of the nicest solos ever and i've got about 3/4s of it down. Of course, i can't make it sound exactly like them, but it's close enough, considering i'm using my acoustic, i think it's pretty good. (unashamed self-praise). I need to jam some Switchfoot really badly though. Someone has to play/sing Stars with me. And Amateur Lovers, and Gone, and Enough To Let Me Go. Great songs all of them. And Vice Verses is out already if i'm not wrong. Definitely gonna get that. Who says teenagers don't buy albums anymore?

These past 2, bed-ridden days have given me nought much else to do but to spend time with my guitar. Sometimes i'm too weak/lazy to go downstairs and the drowsy medication makes it worse. So i reach for my guitar at the foot of my bed and just play. Just random chords and pentatonic stuff but whatever. I can already hear Nat's sigh of disapproval and Lester's gleeful laugh, but hey, i'm enjoying myself so yea.

I think i've been cut on my left ring finger's fingertip. But i can't really see the cut unless i look really closely. Like a paper cut. It hurts when i press the strings too hard with that particular finger and it's getting really annoying.

What would life be without music? If it's even possible, my love for music has grown even stronger, and trust me, that's saying a lot. That's like saying the grass has turned greener, the sun has turned warmer or whatever analogy you wanna use.

Chelsea game tonight. Might skip the meds just to be able to stay up and watch the game.

Dedication (Y)

When i fall on the floor cause i can't feel anymore, you can have my heart girl, you don't have to steal anymore.

2011-09-20T23:29:00.000+08:00

Yea, wherever you are~ (I miss AAR. They were so awesome)

Just got back from a very fufilling day with Joyce and Cam, completed by a cameo from Joshua in the evening! Haven't seen them in so long that it just felt so... good. There's no other way to describe it. It's like we never spent about a month apart and that's what great friendships are all about i guess. On Twitter, someone tweeted (i forgot who. Seriously.) that really good friends are like blood. You don't seem them all the time but they come rushing when you're hurt.

Confessed a lotta stuff and i guess i feel better for it. I can't say i don't have my reservations, but who am i to deny them? Cam would've figured it out anyway.

I get home to realize how much i actually miss her. Yes, i know i sound like a broken record, but what can i do when most days, she's all i think about? Every time, it's harder to let go. Trust me when i say i think i really would rather live without these feelings, especially because of HIM, but i can't help myself. What can i say? I'm a fat glutton for emotional punishment.

On that cold, lonely journey home, i thought about that Smurfs movie we watched today. The details escape my motivation to type down, but the gist of the story is, life gives you opportunities, and you gotta take them when you can. Because you might just miss it if you don't. And....

I'm still not gonna tell her.

Probably never will. But then, when i first met her, i never in a million years thought i'd ever feel this way about her in the future. So yea.

Work tomorrow.

Whoopee.

They say a picture paints a thousand words. Well for me, this on paints EVERYTHING.

2011-09-18T18:10:00.000+08:00

Oh wow

2011-09-17T19:24:00.000+08:00

So the day after malacca, i decide to go for a swim at Warren's. Well too bad i had to get sick.

Spent the whole day at home talking to Joyce at random intervals and just generally being doped up on drowsy meds. Plus it rained, so you can imagine my mood.

I dunno why i always get cranky when it rains. Ok maybe not exactly cranky but... it puts me in a very melancholic mood. I already tend to over analyze and overthink a lotta stuff, and rain just makes it worse. It sucks more when i'm the only one home and it's dark outside and i'm so freaking cold and i miss her so much it actually physically hurts.

Especially these surges of jealousy i have no right to feel. I don't mean to sound overly-emo and melodramatic, (more so than i probably already do) but i really hate myself for doing and feeling some things sometimes. I feel guilty FOR feeling guilty in the first place. Like wtf? No seriously, W.T.F. I must be one of the most messed up people in the world.

I know people say it hurts when someone they love is missing all the time in romance novels and chick flicks, and yea i always laughed and belittled the notion of feeling pain because you miss someone else so badly. It sounds absolutely ludicrous. Whoever hurt of anyone being hurt by something called "absence"?

Well i take back everything i said, because i know for a fact now that those books and movies had a basis in truth. No amount of Ben&Jerrys can dull the pain though.

On a lighter note, i have a tuesday outing planned with Joyce and Pretty Cam. I didn't know how much i missed them till last night. Haven't seen either of them since school ended weeks eons ago. I really look forward to it.

Oh and Anthony Kiedis? Josh? If by any chance, the planets align and you read this shit, if Happiness Loves Company, then i need a lot of people to come down to my house right now. About 150 should be enough. I'm sure we can squeeze.

I love them so much i could cry. Please come to Singapore. And stay. Forever.

Kthxbai

FMS Malacca Leadership trip 2011 (Yea you KNOW this is gonna be a freaking long post)

2011-09-14T23:15:00.000+08:00

If one were to search up for the definition of the term, "Freaking Awesome", this trip would pop up for sure.

I fear i will do no justice to this trip with my feeble attempts at describing it, but hey, i'll give it a shot. I'm not really in my right frame of mind now. Memories of the cold, hard floor are still pretty fresh on my mind and my bed is really calling to me. My pillow for instance, is practically shouting at me to give it head.

So where was i?

Ah yea, one of the most awesome trips i've ever been on with friends. I think it was really more of the fact that we were allowed so much damn freedom. How many camps and school trips literally tell you to get lost in a shopping mall and just be back at the meeting point in 2 hours or so? Also, i personally felt like there were no real rules in this camp. Like for sure, "Don't do stupid things" was really one of the only actual "Stated" rules.

No one checked on us when we got into our hotel rooms. There were no spot checks and night checks and shit like that. We were, for all intents and purposes, left pretty much on our own throughout most of the trip. I find that so extremely liberating to the extent that, like Dynn said once, i might find it difficult to enjoy other school camps and functions as much as i have this one.

If i were to be honest with myself however, the activities were really just... blah. I mean, there was nothing outstandingly bad about it, but i find it hard to say positive things about them as well. Is that weird? If i were to say bad stuff about the itinerary, i'd frankly just be nitpicking and adding my personal feelings into it, which i feel isn't fair to the trainers and the teachers.

I think i speak for most, if not all of the 61 of us when i say, it was the people that made this trip what it was. Even now, typing the word "was" instead of "is" sends a bout of T110 withdrawal spasms into my stomach.

We bonded so much during the 3 days. Talks and playing cards games till late at night can do a lot for building relationships between people. The rest of T110 would come over to my apartment, which i shared with Davin, Aravin, and Terry, when we settled down for the night and had "Free and Easy" time.

The first night was awesome, although i kinda regret... how do i say this... "Letting myself go" with the girls around. I mean, it's not something i'm proud of, and in fact, i don't think i ever will be. Call me a prude and all but i just didn't feel that comfortable. And then of course, the morning brought with it, in addition to a headache, the usual bouts of guilt i feel whenever i think or know i've let someone down. I won't type out what happened here, cause i'd have to be really stupid to do that, but just know that i wasn't particularly proud of myself for that first night.

Throughout the thingy, we were separated into different groups. I knew the purpose was to bond with other people and make new friends and all that, but even with that knowledge and mindset, i felt kinda bummed out i wouldn't be with T110 all the time.

But as it turned out, that was ok. Because XEKxxx (eXtraordianry Exciting Kids) was as great a group as i could've asked for. The other Theo was in my group and he was an awesome group leader. Things were weird at first but we got to know each other and stuff during the activities, which at this point, is almost redundant to say. After we got past the weirdness and awkwardness, we were a pretty swell group.

Then the second day came and went, with the second night being even better than the last.

All i'll say is, i really couldn't ask for better classmates. I know i've mentioned how awesome they are on this blog like months ago when we still had school, but i think i'll just go ahead and mention it again. my classmates are really frickin' awesome. God has always blessed me with great friends, and he's done it again this time round.

About the second night, we all converged in my room as usual, and then i had i think the best night i've had in a long time. We played cards... and stuff. I think everyone sort of got closer somehow. It was kinda in the room you know? Like this unspoken moment when everyone kind of leveled up in terms of the relationships with the rest of the people in the room. It was very subtle, but a lot changed that second night, and i don't regret it for a single second.

Everyone sort of fell asleep in my apartment, with the exception of Pheebs and Vann. I followed them up to their apartment at around 4am and i ended up almost sleeping on Pheeb's bed next to Vann. It was very tempting, but didn't want her other roommates to freak out if they happened to walk in and frankly, i felt it was kinda inappropriate. Pheebs was threatening my testicles if i didn't grab some shut eye though, and i dragged my sorry, honorable and chaste ass back to my apartment where i found Michelle's vacated "bed".

She and Dora took Terry and Davin's room, while the rest of us remained in the living room. Eventually, we tried to sleep and i played Bejewelled till about 6 before attempting to sleep. On the cold, hard floor. Yea. It was hard, and it was cold. That was unfortunately, NOT what she said. The floor was horrible and i have no idea how i kept my tired, emotional body on that piece of shit excuse for bedding for over an hour listening to "Happiness Loves Company" on repeat. Seriously, RHCP make it easier to get through anything and everything.

And so with about an hour of rest (notice how i can't even describe it as "sleep"?), everyone else slowly woke up and went back to their own rooms, leaving Davin and i the only ones awake to pack up the place and prepare for breakfast.

I'll skip ahead to the part where we alighted back at Ngee Ann Poly just 4 short hours ago. We all gathered outside LT78, where it all began just a few days ago. We took pictures, held our last conversations, and went our separate ways. Had one last, extra long goodbye hug from Kelly before she too left with her DPA people.

Vinn, Vann, Davin and i headed to Hougang mall for dinner while the rest went home for some much, MUCH needed sleep. On the journey there, Vann and i were half dead. I think out of everyone, Davin and i had the least sleep. The bus was really uncomfortable we didn't really sleep at all the whole night. We sort of lay on the couch and floor respectively, in silence and taking what i would describe as "extended blinks".

So after dinner, my mum was so kind to send them back, although Davin declined. Sent Vinn home and walked Vann up to her doorstep as usual, before i finally got on my way home for a much craved hot shower. It felt so good to have hot water sliding down my body. Without being overly descriptive, it was such a good change from the shitty water and plumbing in that hotel-that-shall-be-unnamed.

Has it really been 3 days? Time really passes you by like a bitch when you least expect it, and before you know it, your best experiences in life are history. But then again, that's just time moving in the only direction it can, which is forward.

Not to single anyone out, but I loved how i got to see a side of Beatrice i never knew existed. Not that i thought badly of her before, but i just didn't know she had it in her to put up with all of us and our antics. She went KBoxing with Davin and i while the others went for massages. We sang stuff from Ricky Martin classics to Pussycat Dolls. It sounds retarded reading this as i type it, but it wasn't. It was absolutely hilarious and we had a frigging awesome time in that small booth. I also liked what i learnt and saw and on that bus ride back to Singapore, when we shared music and swapped secondary school stories, i wondered to myself why i didn't bother to find this Beatrice before. I mean, i KNOW why, but i wondered why i didn't make more of an effort. Still, it was great, and we're definitely WAY better friends than before.

I guess this is the first time she's hung out with our "group" of people, so yea.

Oh and Dynn also mentioned that he, Pheebs and i form some weird, sexual innuendo triangle. As you can probably tell, i heavily edited the wording in the previous sentence. But yea, i always thought that us 3 had a... i guess different kind of relationship. In a good way of course, a really good, shameless way.

At this point, i'm so far gone i can barely see the words on my screen, but imma keep going anyway, because i know if i sleep now and succumb to dreamland, i'll never remember some of the things i want to say tonight, when the experience and the memories are still fresh. At this point, it's just random musings about certain things.

Like how i loved it when Vann was more concerned about how she must have looked when she fell asleep across from me. We discussed the issue of unglam sleepers at length on one of our legendary 74 bus rides back, and this was the perfect opportunity for an example. But nah, like i told her, she was fine. It was funny cause Pheebs was in the toilet doing God knows what to her face, and Vann and i were singing "Yellow Submarine", with the song playing from her phone. Halfway through, her voice stopped and i looked over to find her asleep. In the middle of the chorus. How can anyone do that? Sleep through a Beatle chorus? TSK.

I remember, with no small embarrassment, how Vinn, Terry and i circled the entire parameter of the shopping malls to find the Giant store in the carpark we found on day 1, only to come out awhile later and realize we could've just crossed the road and gotten there.

Everyone's so nua on twitter and facebook. The withdrawal is really kicking in. It's not that bad for me now, but i know when i shut off the comp and turn off the lights and try to get to sleep, i'll feel the effects of it full force. I know it's coming, the feelings, the emotions, the freaking LONGING, and i'll still have to meet it head on later.

If you've read up to here, i thank you for your time. Experiences like these come along once in a very, very long while, and i hope for something like this again soon. TCP camp's coming up week after next, and if it's even A QUARTER as fun as this has been, then i'm rearing to go already. According to Vann, when Vinn and i shamelessly interrogated her at dinner, she said it was pretty cool, so i take her word on it.

So if there's anyone reading this who was on that trip with me (a surprising number of people read this blog, so i've heard from a little bird), thank you so much for such a great time. I'm not very good with my positive adjectives, hence the multiple uses of "great" and "awesome". Man i really needa get back to school.

Time to sleep for a long, long time.

Oh, and before i submit to my body's failings, here's a random little something i remembered from the leaders. Hopefully, i'll remember this for quite awhile:

Happiness is not the absence of unhappiness.

Shadows of a man

2011-09-11T21:22:00.000+08:00

Just such an apt song to describe everything right now.

It's been a crazy week. Between work and everything else, i haven't really had the time to just sit down and do nothing. On one hand, i find that extremely awesome, because life would be dull right? But on the other, i just want to stay home the whole day, with no social obligations and such, and just do whatever i want. Lately, that's becoming more and more of an indistinct possibility. Like i said though, i don't mind as much.

Tomorrow, i'll be off to Malacca. To the exact same places, the exact same hotel, but with totally different people. The last time i was there, i had the best NPCC squad in St Gabriel's history along for the ride. I still remember Josef and I going ape shit when we discovered the weak, but still existent wi-fi signal at mahkota Hotel.

It's memories like those that i really treasure. Just a bunch of bros hanging out and doing nothing serious. Seriously stupid things maybe, but you get my point.

Lately, it's been getting harder to shut up about it when i'm with her. I have it bad people. I have it freaking bad. Sometimes all i think about is her and i replay every single freaking conversation in my head, even the ones we haven't had yet. Yea. I wonder if... well the signs are there. But that could just be my poor, deluded, arrogant self imagining all these little moments and the choice words she uses.

Sigh. If you only knew, what i'm going through, i just can't smile without you~

Oh Barry Manilow, you're gay as the sun's up in the day, but gosh i love your music. I think not a single one of my bros listen to Barry Manilow. But that's ok. No one else listens to Bread either. Everytime i ask someone if they've heard of the band Bread, they ask about the food kind of bread. Understandable, but i did mention the word "band" before Bread didn't i?

I guess maybe only a few people in this world will ever appreciate music like i do. I don't want to sound mightier than thou, or super arrogant and knowledgable about all music and stuff *cough Nat* *cough* But really, it's something that i can't really describe.

When i think of her, every song seems to be sung for me. Not only that... but i just freaking love music. In general. It's just one of the most beautiful things in the entire universe. I challenge you to find something more beautiful than music in this world. You'd fine none. I find it funny sometimes, how we have to pay for CDs, because i think music is priceless.

I'm not trying to be overly corny here, but really. Even if it's K-pop, of that new girl in the music scene Justin Bieber, or Nikki Minaj. As long as any one of their songs put a smile on someone's face, then isn't that just wonderful? I mean, we all have our own tastes, but that doesn't mean the music we don't listen to is bad either *cough COUGH Nat Cough coughh*

It's just, i wanna express my love for it so badly. But everyone knows i can't sing to save my testicles.

Sometimes i just wanna put my phone into some speakers and chill with friends. No need for words or movement or whatever. No need for any other sort of entertainment. No need for anything except appreciation.

And contentment.

Happiness Loves Company

2011-09-06T18:18:00.001+08:00

When i'm with my bros, it's like nothing else matters except that i'm with the best friends in the world. It's like things like YOU and him don't matter at all. Because they're really all i ever need in life. Good company is so hard to come by these days and i just happen to be blessed with the greatest friends in life.

And it's sometimes even to the point where i feel guilty for wanting more. Because really, what more CAN i ask for? I have my friends, and my music. How can i possibly complain about anything? But my heart does it all the time.

Lonely journeys home. Long nights spent waiting for your reply, longer evenings still, spent staring at your name on Skype and wondering wondering wondering.

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me. Shine until tomorrow, Let It Be. I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, Let It Be.

That song, (Let It Be by The Beatles, for you poor, poor uninformed people) never fails to make me feel good. It'sa cross between depressed and hopeful. Depressed because they're asking me to let things be. Which i should really just shut up and do. So much shit would be solved if i just didn't care. But the sad, fucked up fact is that i do. It's stupid and almost to the point of masochism, with the pain you give me, but i do.

All the lonely people, where do they all come from?
All the lonely people, where do they all belong?

And that's another question John Lennon has asked the world over and over again. Again, for those people who don't know, the above lyrics are from Eleanor Bigby, by The Beatles. They are quite possibly, the greatest band to ever grace this Earth. God knows i adore RHCP to the point of worship though.

I've got a feeling, a feeling deep inside oh yeah.
I've got a feeling, a feeling i can't hide, no no. Oh no.
No no yeah.
I've got a feeling!

No that wasn't Black Eyed Peas. That was the original I Got A Feeling again by The Beatles. (This is turning into a Beatle post. I just know it.)

But yes, all 3 songs speak to me in a way only music can. Yea it's mostly about her. But i'm a whiny, mopy romantic. So sue me.

I remember on the first day of school, i had my very first Radio Module Lecture. Walking into the dark LT, i was intimidated byt the crowd there. It only got worse when i realized this was only the people in Sem 1.2. But i digress.

I was hungry and kinda tired, but excited because i'd been looking forward to Radio. I was slowly discovering that i had an awesome bunch of Poly classmates and life was moving the in only direction it can. Forward.

Mr Felix started talking about The Eagles and The Beatles. And then i heard someone say something that made me want to literally jump out of my seat and punch the daylights out of that ignorant son of a bitch. He said something like "The beetles, eagle, what zoo sia?". That faggot probably listens to shit like JB and will never know true beauty in his life. He will forever not know that he's missing out on something so profound and indescribable that words fail to even HINT at the awesomeness of.

One of my favorite things to do in the afternoons and evenings when i have nothing on my schedule, is just put my itunes on. Connect my mac to the speakers and just listen.

I can literally sit on a chair or lie on my bed for hours just listening to MY type of music. It's an amazing experience to just do nothing BUT listen and feel and think and enjoy. Every line is taken in and every note is acknowledged. I hope to share that with Her someday. But meh. Despite the shittiness of the significant other, she's still with him so oh well. Life has a way of giving the best things to utter assholes.

Let It Be Let It Be, Let It Be, Let It Be
whisper words of wisdom,
Let It Be

Lost in Ethiopia

2011-09-05T21:56:00.001+08:00

So i was kinda happy last night. Is that so wrong? I think it is. I think it's wrong that i feel happy about you texting me when you're upset. Because truth be told, it's more the text than anything that make me feel so elated. Perhaps it's pretty pathetic, to rely on such things to even have a scrap of communication with you, or put so much stock in the fact that, for at least that point of time when you decided to type out that message to me, you were thinking of me.

Then again, i'd prefer if you'd text other times. Or at least talk to me. Or call. Or Skype. Just something to keep that hope burning inside. I'm not dissatisfied with what we have now. But part of me- that incessant, annoying part of me, wants a little more. I mean come on, did all "those" nights mean nothing to you? When i willingly LITERALLY walked with you in the darkness and was left alone afterward for the lonely journey back?

But i know we all have our own lives to live. It's totally fine. I don't need to talk to you every single day. Just enough so i still know you care. Is it really so petty of me to get frustrated when you don't reply sometimes?

Typing it out like that makes it sound so trivial. It makes me sound like a little child, asking my mommy with teary eyes why one of the most important people in my life can't be bothered to even communicate with me electronically. Yes, it's just a simple text, it'll probably not even contain anything more important than what i've had for lunch, but even a simple "K" would be nice sometimes.

Prancer is hardly the world's best conversationalist, and that's at the BEST of times. Good luck to you if you're stuck somewhere with him. The constant 1 worded replies punctuated with not-so-subtle vulgarities is enough to put most people off. He just better be darn grateful our circle of friends aren't "Most people".

But you know, at least he still does reply.

Yea alright. It really does sound petty and childish, re-reading the previous paragraphs. But meh. I'm a teenager. I'm sorta entitled to moments of self-centered ranting sessions in which IDGAF about anyone but myself. I'd say it's normal, but i admit i tend to do it more than most.

On another note, work's been awesome so far. It helps that the people there are really nice. But that's not saying much because there's only 2 major types of people in that place anyway. Those who talk to you, and those who are mute. Got another Ngee Ann Poly dude who's also christened with the name "Craig". An awesome name if i ever saw one.

You know whenever i blog after a long time, i feel like my fingers are constantly trying to catch up with my brain. It's like i can't type fast enough to get whatever's on my mind unto the screen. Sucky feeling, cause so much stuff gets deleted before i click that orange button of no return.

Been listening a lot to I'm With You. I don't absolutely love every single one of them, but Ethiopia, Did I Let You Know, Happiness Loves Company, and Brendan's Death Song are quickly becoming my new favourites. Of course, She's Only 18's been taking up a lot of my mind too.

It's in your bloodline

A perfect Frankenstein

Out on that lone pine

I'm gonna make you mine

I just... i can't.

2011-08-30T23:02:00.002+08:00

I know i'm singing an old song, but have i told you how much i love the Goo Goo Dolls?

Like seriously, words cannot even BEGIN to describe.

Look into my eyes and i'll own you

2011-08-25T20:29:00.001+08:00

Just shoot for the stars.
If it feels right, then aim for my heart. -Moves like Jagger, Maroon 5

Here's the cover we did today.

https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=2332249504310&comments

I guess i am falling slowly.

2011-08-23T03:02:00.001+08:00

Take this sinking boat and point it home. We've still got time...
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice, you'll make it now...

Falling slowly, eyes that know me, and I can't go back.
Moods that take me and erase me, and I'm painted black.

Isn't Glen Hansard just the most amazing songwriter?

He just described... well everything really. I've got Chan to thank for introducing me to this song. If you have time, check out "Star Star" by The Frames, Glen Hansard's actual band. They're really just... awesome. Kinda like Boyce Avenue with a lot of soul and very, very slowed down.

Take this sinking boat and point it home, we've still got time...
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice, you've made it now...

It's like you've disappeared on me. But when i really sit and think about it, i know it's not your fault. As cliche as this sounds, it's really just me.

This self-imposed exile is really starting to get to me. A lot. Josef commended me for having the balls to do it. I want to feel buoyed by that fact. I want to feel good about myself because i KNOW it's the right thing to do. Ask anybody and if they have a shred of decency in them, they'd tell you i'm doing the right thing too.

But you know... it sucks. It really does. I try not to dwell on you any longer than i have to, but meh.

On the bright side... i've have a lot of time to sort things out with myself. I don't really doubt my choices now.

Oh well. We live and we learn.

My left ring finger hurts. A lot. I think it's from the guitar. It's really painful even as i type this. How do i describe this... it's like i felt something tear beneath the skin when i was playing just now. Does that make sense? I just had this sensation of something breaking under my skin when i changed from D to G. It hurt like a bitch.

I'm scared because there's now a layer of tough, blue-blackish skin forming over it.

And also, my right wrist has been giving me trouble for ages. I really gotta stop playing my instrument laying down. (See what i did there?) But it's true. Sometimes when i'm really lazy, i'll just grab the acoustic and lay down on my bed stroking random chords. (Yes, that IS what they're calling it these days).

But in all seriousness, i think it's bad for my wrist. I have to stretch it at a weird angle and sometimes when i sit back up to play it throbs and it just aches like a son of a gun. I'd try staying away from playing, but i think we all know that's pretty much impossible.

And as i finish up this post, Falling Slowly just keeps going through my mind. Has been all day. And you know what? As strange as it sounds, the song does give me hope. About you, and about everything else. It's a sad song for sure, but i think, hopeful as well.

You have suffered enough, and warred with yourself.It's time that you won.

But you know...

2011-08-21T10:21:00.001+08:00

If it makes it easier for me to look myself in the mirror... then i guess this is the choice i made.

I want to think i'm doing the right thing here. And by all accounts, it IS the right thing. No more doubts. No more regrets.

And just maybe if i say it often enough, i'll start believing it myself.

Every breath you take is not yours to own... it's not yours, to hold.

2011-08-18T13:01:00.000+08:00

Oh i'm a wandering soul... I'm still walking the line that leads me home. Alone.

Still got mountains to climb, on my own.

Last night was an eye-opener for me. It really was. I did something, and said something i probably shouldn't have. Do you know the difference between doing the right thing, and doing the correct thing? No? Well let me try and explain this to you. I think i've ironed this out with people in Secondary school, but one can never be too sure. My theory is this:

Let's say the teacher asks if you want more homework or something like that. Now the CORRECT thing would be to say, "YES", because you need the practice for your exams, and frankly, it'll really help pull your grades up. But the RIGHT thing to do, as a student who has a life and other more interesting, more important things to do, would be to say "NO".

Is that confusing? I don't think so. But it might be.

I've tried as much as possible to walk the thin line between right and wrong. When really, i've just been alternating between doing the right and correct thing all along. I've tried to justify my actions, tried to rationalize everything in my head.

I suppose it'd gotten to the point where i really was so self-righteous and self-justified, that what i did didn't matter anymore. Because to me, my actions and words were right. Nothing i did with the Heine was "Wrong", but it sure as hell felt "Right".

But then something happened last night. I'd had a great day with Vann at NeX, just talking and chilling. And then an awesome time at Chan's house, scoring 4 goals with Lampsy and doing a cover of Desecration Smile. I love that song so much. If only i could emulate John's falsetto better. That's the part that really makes the verses come alive you know?

So i was preparing to go to bed. Really refreshed from having one of the best days in my life for a very, very long while.

And then that text came in.

And i did something i hadn't done at all. Something i should've done a long, long time ago. Something that perhaps, i've intentionally overlooked. In my self-righteous, selfish quest for her, i'd forgotten, intentionally or otherwise, about the other one. But not anymore. After that text, i did what i had to do.

I put myself in HIS shoes.

They say an epiphany is "The sudden realization or comprehension of the essence or meaning of something". Well they got it only partially correct. Dictionary.com didn't mention that sometimes, epiphanies are a kick to the balls. A slap on the face. And most of all, it's the rudest, loudest, most annoyingly obnoxious alarm clock in the world.

Because like all alarm clocks, it wakes you up. It forces to you leave the comfort of sleep, the lure of the dark. It makes you reach out for it and accept the fact that "YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP". It makes you leave the comfort and safety of your bed, the one that you've made yourself feel so comfortable in. I makes you get up and face the day with whatever that entails.

Maybe i've been the problem

Maybe i'm the one to blame

But even when i turn it off and blame myself,

The outcome feels the same.

-Stars,

Switchfoot

Maybe i've been the problem, maybe i'm the one to blame. But even when i turn it off and blame myself, the outcome feels the same.

2011-08-16T22:54:00.000+08:00

So i promised Dawn and Ian(if they still read this thing) that'd i'd stop posting stuff about HIM here.

I promised my mum i'd not talk to relatives and friends about HIM.

I don't actually like airing dirty laundry in public.

It's too late to play my guitar at the volume i like.

It's too early to try and sleep.

I'm still in the house. Why?

I just realized, if home is where the heart is, then home is several blocks away.

I need to vent but putting it online won't help.

The dozens of unpublished posts on my blogger is piling up and it's only August.

I don't know if can take much more of this crap.

I get more and more anxious each day because you're finally starting to seem like a possibility.

It really sucks to have the one you like not know you like her.

It sucks more to lack the balls to tell her.

There's really no one i can rant to about HIM. Maybe i'll explode one day.

I do so much, and for what? What's the point?

Sometimes i feel like i don't have a partner.

Sometimes i feel like my only friend.

Is the city i live in, the city of angels?

Lonely as i am, together we cry.

Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes.

2011-08-11T23:13:00.000+08:00

I've been listening to a lot of Beatles lately. All 87 songs in my library that i've neglected for the past few months are now being put through excessive replay. Sorry family, but you gotta deal with the spam. Unless i use earphones.

If you couldn't already tell, Penny Lane is my favourite song from them. It's, in the words of Nat, "Typical Paul". And it is. The lyrics, the laid back melody, the joyful beat, yea. Typical Paul alright.

It's funny because i don't think many people think of this song when you mention the Beatles. Mostly, it's Helter Skelter or Here comes the sun or something. But mine's this one. I don't know why myself.

Just this afternoon, my brother-by-blood was blasting music from the Biebster. I couldn't take it and blasted the first song from my itunes that i could click on. Of course, it was Bad Medicine, by Bon Jovi. Gosh i miss those days of rock and roll. I wasn't born at that time, but every single day i wish i could've been a teenager in the 80s and 90s. Those were the times man. Even later back is fine. Like 60s maybe. I'd live a live of music, and a life FOR music.

Plus, every song seems to remind me of you. Is that weird? Yea even like the song above. Bad Medicine. "Your love is like bad medicine, and bad medicine is what i need oooh oooh oooh!". Yea you're really bad medicine alright. Cause thinking about you doesn't make the ache go away.

If only i could tell you somehow. Without saying it directly. Hmm...

But no. I enjoy our friendship too much to screw it up. Plus... the end of term is drawing nearer and nearer. In fact, it's next week or something.

So i won't have an excuse to see you in school anymore. But hoooo well.

Life wins.

Just so we're clear and shiny...

2011-08-09T19:55:00.000+08:00

I had a really awesome stayover at Nat's house. Like, a really, really awesome stayover. Dyl, if you're reading this, i do not mean to rub it in. We missed you the whole way and there were many times when we went "Yea, that's what Dylan would do."

Like at night before we fell asleep, Nat was asking who started the "Is that what they're calling it these days?" We fell silent for about 5minutes, all of us deep in thought. Then as one, we all said "Has to be Dylan". Next time bro, i shall bring the McFlurry. If Jo still has the Baileys.

It was really because we were talking about absolutely anything and everything. My bros are the only people in the world that i can let myself BE myself, without being judged and looked down upon. I can never do this at home.

I can't talk to my parents about the Heine, because i don't think my father approves of girlfriends at my age. I can't talk about what i did in the day because they wouldn't approve. Mostly. I can't talk about music because my father thinks all the music i listen to is "Satanic" and "All those musicians will go to hell" because they write "evil lyrics" and "Do nothing but drugs and have sex".

Well. I should just point out that he has never heard a single Red Hot Chili Pepper song. Or bothered to. To him, the only acceptable music is that of Church. Boring, organ playing music that should only be played either at funerals, or at night when you need to sleep.

Where was i?

Oh yea.

I can't talk about my friends because SOME people will be looked down upon by them. I can't talk about soccer because according to my dad, and this is word for word, "Chelsea is a lousy club". Because apparently "they keep losing then Man U got the title."

Again, i shall insert the fact that he has never bothered to sit through a Chelsea game.

Like just today when i bought John Terry's autobiography, he asked why i wanted to buy the book of a loser.

I almost lost it right there. I know it sounds petty and childish, but JT is one of my idols. The fact that you never gave a damn about soccer, or your sons interests for that matter, just makes everything worse. How dare you call him a loser when you know NOTHING about him?

Wait wait wait back up. I was talking about the stayover right?

Yea so with them i can be myself. I can let loose. I can swear when i want to, without having to censor my thoughts. (Like in school). I can be loud and extremely obnoxious without fear of making a bad impression on the Heine. I can pop open a can of beer (Omg thanks Nat i love you) without being frowned at disapprovingly. I can drink all the wine in the world and get totally shit-faced without having to stop myself.

It was a short time, because i had to leave early for "family bonding". But in that few hours, i was the happiest guy on earth. I literally was on top of the world. Sometimes i want that feeling everyday. To be surrounded by the people i know i love most in the world. To be with the company i would never trade for anything in the universe.

I know it's not realistic but... sometimes i really wish they WERE my family. They already are in everything but blood anyway.

There's so much to say, but how do i continue? I'll just leave it here i guess. Leave so many things unspoken, just like with home, and with Her.

I swear it's getting harder to keep my mouth shut around her. So many instances and so many opportunities. I just wanna blurt it out but i know it's suicide. There're so many things i wanna do, to say to you. He doesn't deserve you, you know? He deserves maybe about a strand of your hair, and that's it. As arrogant and stupid and egoistic as it sounds... i'd never do that shit to you.

But what does that matter anyway. It's all just ramblings of a deluded Theodore. Whoo yea.

Penny Lane, is in my ears, and in my eyes.

You don't have to believe me...

2011-08-06T20:40:00.005+08:00

But they way i, way i see it... next time you point a finger, i'll point you to the mirror.
- Paramore, "Playing God"

Josh Farro said he really hated this song because it sent all the wrong messages. It was clearly about the time when the band was experiencing a lotta different troubles. Rather negative lyrics don't you think?

Well it's the same for me, in a way i guess. Sometimes i listen to a song that reminds me of you and i really can't help but feel angry. I'm done being sad, done being angsty about it. Now all that's left seems to be anger. I don't like it, but that's the way it is. The way i feel hasn't mattered to you for a long, long while now. So might as well go ahead and feel what i want right?

On a more positive note, today was a really... peaceful day. The morning started off seeing the heine on twitter and thinking about the events of a few hours ago. We were so close, both emotionally and physically. I had to bite my lip before i said something i'd have regretted. It was really hard cause all i wanted to do was sing your praises and tell you "You complete me" or some cheesy shit like that. But nah, my brain won out in the end.

Know why our heart's are on the left side of our chest? Because the heart isn't always right.

Deep down i knew that to be true. But i can't help it. Sometimes, all rational thought disappears when i'm with the Heine. Which has, fortunately, been happening more frequently recently. I'm a very happy person in general, (i can hear the sarcastic snorts already...) but these last few weeks have had me soaring when it comes to the heine. I feel like i really do have a chance now.

But then i splash water on my face and i wonder what i was ever thinking. That i have a shot with a girl like her? Not bloody likely.

I really don't want to feel so negative all the time. Or be so fonging "emo" but it's true. It's like, i've deluded myself into thinking maybe she'd choose me over what's-his-name.

It's only been awhile. Who knows what might happen. One thing's for sure, i'm NEVER going to get drunk around her. God know's what i'd do or say.

Still, like i said, i've really enjoyed the last few weeks with her. So i'll take what i can get i guess. (Pretending not to be pathetic*).

I wanna do a cover of Mess Of Me. Really sums up all the bullshit right about now.

"I am my own affliction. I am my own disease. There ain't no drug that they could sell. Yea there ain't no drug to make me well. "

See? A really apt summary.

On another subject, i hate it when i feel helpless. It's in my natural instinct to want to fix things when they're broken. And when one of the people whom i consider to be a very, very good friend has a few fractures, it's only appropriate for me as a friend to inquire about the well-being of said friend. (See how i carefully avoided stating the gender?)

But it comes to this point that i always arrive at.

How do i let that person know i care so, so much, without being "annoying"? And how to NOT be "annoying", without seeming like i don't care?

A call, a text, Skype. I'm so uncertain. So unsure of how you'll receive my concern that sometimes i just give up and forcibly tear my eyes away from your name. At the same time, i so badly want to drop you a line and just be there for you. Not to interview you about your problems, but to just BE there.

I hope you're feeling better. No matter what anyone else tells you, you're one of the most beautiful, kind-hearted, and fun friends i've ever had the fortune to meet. Really, i don't get how you, or anybody else, can call that face of yours hideous. Unless they're blind. Even then, they have no right.

Who am i one to talk about self-esteem issues anyway? It's almost laughable.

No in fact, it's highly hilarious. Me, talking about self-esteem. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Maybe redemption has stories to tell

Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell

Where can you run to escape from yourself?

Where you gonna go?

Salvation is here...

-Dare You to Move, Switchfoot.

When i'm high and there's nothing i can do about it

2011-08-05T23:52:00.000+08:00

John Rzeznik!

2011-08-02T21:16:00.001+08:00

"You emulate your heroes, but then you have to move on to find your own thing." - John Rzeznik.

Oh man this is another unashamed adulation post. From another of my favourite bands of all time, the Goo Goo Dolls. I feel like i could really make a radio program out of this.

John Joseph Theodore Rzeznik is and forever will be, one of the lead singers of the Goo Goo Dolls. When i found out we shared name, i was so over the moon i thanked my parents out of the blue. They were all "wth" and i was all "Omg Theodore's a great name thank you guys!".

Before, it sucked to never have your name on those keychains. To never have your name higher than index number 33 on the class register. To never have your name "acceptable" by Microsoft word.

But after i found out we shared the name "Theodore", i've come to terms with my name. Which is super ironic because my favourite song ever from them is Name.

Please, i know many will not, but please please please watch this video.

Such a beautiful song should only be shared. The lyrics, the guitar... everything is so wonderfully wonderful and MEANINGFUL. I get that huge weight on my chest whenever i listen to this song. It brings back so many Primary school memories. Yea, BAD memories. But this song, and band, was what got me through everything. This song... Such a personal meaning to me...

And no words can describe how much i adore JR. He's one of THE people i wish i could be when i get older. Heck, if i still look like this...

at age 45+, i'll be happy as can be.

I know the Goo Goo Dolls aren't that famous/popular in Singapore (sadly), but i think it doesn't matter how big their fanbase is. People like Mike and Robby (the other 2 members) are some of the most humble musicians i've ever had the pleasure of stalking. (whoops)

Seriously. Watching some of their interviews and reading other interviews, they come across as the most humble, down to earth trio ever. The fact that they're super successful and have more talent in a strand of hair than i have in my whole body, makes it all the more awesome. How do they not let all of this money and fame and fortune get to their heads?

This interview just proves how good a man John Rzeznik is.

Yea i know he looks freaky in the thumbnail, but he was battling the flu. Hence his voice. It's just such an amazing admiration i have for this man. Plus... he's about 52 in this interview. Amazing huh?

He's not like our everyday artists, who pump out a single every other week just to generate income. He said himself he wanted to do something different from what's being produced now. He agreed that that'd be "Commercial suicide", but he did it anyway.

Doesn't that just show you his unrivaled love for music? To do what he wants and make the music HE, not the record label, wants to make, it just shows that money is secondary to him. Sure, he has to make a living, but he put his love for writing and his passion for his own brand of music above ALL else.

I wanna make music that touches the hearts of so many people, just like Johnny boy up there. I want to have his wisdom and talent and if i grow up to be half the man he is, then that will be more than awesome.

I'd post more of their hits, but YouTube is a tab away!

Words cannot even begin to describe my love for the Goo Goo Dolls. So i shan't bother trying any more than i already have.

GGD4EVA~! *Fan-boyism*

It's just nice sometimes.

2011-07-31T20:27:00.000+08:00

So i've added a comments thing to my bloggie. Not that anyone would ever comment on anything anyway. But feel free to write whatever.

Sometimes, i just want my family back so much. No, not my family "family". But the people that mattered to me the most. Once upon a time, i'd have died for these people in a heartbeat. Now it's like i don't exist to them. And sometimes, they don't exist to me either.

It's remarkable how much things can change. One moment you're on top of the world because you just feel this connection with another human being. You feel this intimacy with another person's very being. It's like your souls talk to each other and they're like best bros.

But the next moment, life catches up with everything and before you know it, that connection's gone, never to be found again. Perhaps something akin to it may be rejuvenated one day, but chances are so slim it's practically impossible.

One day you're promising each other to be friends forever and ever, and the next they're just another name on your facebook page.

I don't know why really. I guess i just miss some people very dearly.

We all know this already, but then again, maybe we all don't.

2011-07-30T19:02:00.001+08:00

John Frusciante

Here's a man i idolize to the point of near-worship.

Most people know that already, but i realize i've never really explained the huge man-crush. Sure, he was the heart of the Chili Peppers, and i know many would assume that that's the reason for my unadulterated adoration towards this man. But no, there's much more to it than that. Sure, his time with the Chili Peppers will always and forever be the way i got to know him. But through following his life and story, i've come to respect him not only as the greatest musician of our time, but also one of the strongest men ever.

What brought this post on? Well i suppose it's that Radio assignment i'm doing with Izzy now. Just going through the motions of researching about him made me really want to share this. Quick fact, we actually didn't need to do much research. All the questions that Izzy asked me about his life, what we're going to put in the script etc, i already knew from the top of my head. I guess she was a little weirded out. I was spouting facts about him left and right. She asked when he joined the Peppers and i immediately told her 18. More than a little non-plussed, she googled it.

I was right.

To be able to battle a downward spiral of drugs and addiction is a herculean effort for any man. To come back and produce Californication the same year you get your shit straight, is testament to John's incredible willpower and love for life. Most people would have given up on life after getting as low as John had, but he didn't.

This is him, at the peak of his addiction to heroin and all that other screwed up substances.

Hard to believe that that was him right? After seeing the previous pictures, you'd think he was always that handsome (unashamed man-crush).

He was poking and injecting himself with so much crap after he fell into depression. He couldn't take the newfound success of 1991's album, Blood Sex Sugar Magik. He thought that the Chili Peppers shouldn't have been such a huge thing. He envisioned them playing in pubs, enjoying life, having small gigs now and then. Just like it was before he joined up. Before Mr Slovak kicked the bucket (another story for another day).

Sadly, no one can ignore good music. And no one did, when it came to BSSM. That was the album that catapulted the Peppers into new-found fame. John couldn't take it, and he left after tensions escalated within the band. Even Anthony, probably the most snuffed up member of the group when it comes to drug addiction, couldn't work with John anymore.

And blah blah blah. Long story short, Flea got him back into the band after a long period of depression and painting. Yea that's right. He used to paint and write music and get high everyday. Just those 3 things day in and day out. The solo album, "To record only Water for Ten Days" was full of songs he'd written when he was in that semi-alive state.

It really speaks a lot about his strength of character. For him to get from a near-dead druggie, to someone living the dream. Making music and just being alive.

John Frusciante

I find that the best way to do things is to constantly move forward and to never doubt anything and keep moving forward, if you make a mistake say you made a mistake.

And that's a really really really summarized version about why i love this man.

Let's slow the evening down. Slow it down... down... down down....

2011-07-24T14:19:00.001+08:00

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. ~Jack Handey

Self-pity is something that comes to me as naturally as breathing. It's just something about my character that develops all sorts of self-esteem and extremely low self-efficacy issues. Most of the time? I don't let it get to me. Sure, i feel like crap and stuff, but mostly, i focus on the good things in life.

I have a lot to be thankful for. A LOT.

But sometimes you know, you just feel absurdly inadequate. Somedays, i don't feel comfortable in my own skin. Other days i look myself in the mirror and play my get-psyched playlist. Yes, the first song is of course, "You Give Love A Bad Name". Barney, you are a God-send.

I suppose it's things that are important to me that get me down the most. I mean duh. If something didn't mean a lot to me, i wouldn't care much about whatever it is right? What an unnecessary 2 sentences. <-

I can't really sing for nuts. Music is super important to me. But if i had to sing to save myself from falling into a Volcano, i'd become Gollum #2 WITHOUT the "preciousssss" parts. If i had to sing to prevent the sun from exploding, people would scramble to their homes and have their last meals with their families before i even opened my mouth.

Maybe that's why i try so hard to be good with my wood. My... wooden shaft. You know my guitar? Yea.

It's like i'm trying to compensate for the fact that a dying crow has a better singing voice than me. So yea, i try hard. I practice every day, with any amount of time i can get. And let me tell you, with all this shit going on, time to practice is becoming more and more of a luxury. It doesn't help that i get back so late that by the time i eat, do my homework, settle down and relax, it's nearly 10-11pm. Hardly an opportune moment to wail out Dani California right?

Yea, i could probably NOT care and just plug in. But my good-hearted nature disallows me from waking my brother up and disturbing his beauty sleep. Of course, when i look deep, deep inside the recesses of my soul, the REAL reason is that i like it a lot when my brother sleeps. Because his mouth is firmly SHUT.

Then there's the weight thing that i'm sure everyone who's taken a good look at me knows about.

Then there's that social disability i have. You know the one where i over analyze everything and anything in a conversation? Yea, that one.

There's also that hair of mine that for some reason, refuses to look good 2 hours after my bath. I'm not gonna lie, my morning hair looks like a peacock without the cock, with it's tail standing up (Yea i did). And then maybe it's this infernal weather. Maybe it's puberty. But my hair really looks disgusting in midday. In fact, it FEELS disgusting.

Suffice to say i'll never incite the desire in anyone to run their hands through my luscious locks. But meh. It's Singapore. If you're NOT sweaty and oily and whatever in the afternoon, then i'll have nothing to say to you. There'll be nothing i CAN say except maybe grovel at your feet and beg you to reveal your secrets.

BUT AFTER ALL THAT.

I sit back and really think about it. Sure, life has given it's share of bullshit. But at the end of that (literal) pile of crap, there IS a rainbow. Not the best metaphor, but humor me here.

I have the most awesome friends on the face of this Earth. Heck ok, the UNIVERSE.

Tell me where i can find another Kelly. Another Chan, another Dylan, another Nat. Tell me where i may find similarly awesome people, that i may depart this idiotically humid island and migrate to wherever that place is.

The simple answer is that there IS no such place. Friends like mine i believe, some people search their whole lives for. God has blessed me with amazing luck and grace. Even someone like Leslie, who's been in the same school as me since Primary 1. Now he's in Ngee Ann too. We don't see each other often but when we do, it's always a blast.

And also, my poly class is really amazing. I have no words to describe how lucky i am to have been blessed with friends like these. Always, i've never been short of meeting awesome people.

My friends make everything negative that i've said above obsolete.

On Friday, i think almost everyone was able to tell i wasn't feeling too good. Both physically and emotionally. I was coming down with a flu. Surprise surprise i have a fever now as i'm typing this. But i digress.

So yea i mean i'm usually rather obnoxious in class (but not overwhelmingly so. I hope). So of course when i'm quiet, people notice. It didn't help that i had Vod in the morning. I keep doing things i know i'm gonna regret. Is that strange?

But yea. By the time Radio rolled around, i found out it's impossible to stay upset about HER around my classmates. They make it extremely difficult for me to dwell on stupid, hurtful things.

And Pheebs if you're reading this (you stalker you), i want you to know that... Cam's still trying to find that video. Please for the love of all that's bacon, give her a clue or something. She's tearing her hair out and desperately trying to find your beautiful voice. Yes, it's beautiful. Don't say anything else just take the bloody compliment.

Seriously, it's so hard to give people compliments these days. Let's not even get STARTED on Joyce. All i get is a bowed head and an embarrassed snigger. What the hell people.

So long story short, there's really no point to this post. I don't know why i even did this. Then again, that description alone describes like 3/4 of my blog anyway. Wow, what a waste of internets space. (Not a grammar error).

Peace.

Know what?

2011-07-22T00:01:00.000+08:00

It's not supposed to be this FUCKING hard.

It should be easy. But it's not.

Sorry to swear.

When i really think about it though, i'm not that sorry.

Not even a little.

I used to think i could be myself around you. Guess not. There are rules. Limitations. Unspoken lines that you draw on the stupid ground. Lines you've always been so fucking afraid to cross.

Know what? You go ahead and stay behind your lines.

I'll be on the other side.

Music's in my soul

2011-07-18T00:12:00.001+08:00

I actually don't know why i'm typing this, on the eve of the beginning of the end of IS. Yes, that was 3 of's in a single sentence. If only Prancer could see this. He'd get mind-effed in no time.

So i just needed to let something out, and this domain was the best place, i felt, to do it. (That's what he said-SHE said). Maybe it's because i'm feeling a little melancholy. Maybe it's because there's no one else i can ever hope to talk to at home about this. Yes, i think that's that. No one in my family will ever know, will ever understand, will even BEGIN to comprehend, how much,

music means to me.

Because it means everything.

No one at home will be able to wrap their head around the idea that music is so much more than just a collection of noises ringing out together in discorded harmony. Not to me though.

Do you know what Dumbledore told Harry when he met him at King's Cross? After Voldemort killed him? He said, "Words will always be our most inexhaustible form of Magic". Well if that were true, then music is that magic. Music is our words and our thoughts, our feelings and our souls put into words and chords. I truly believe that. I really do think that when Jon Foreman or Theo Rzeznik sit down and writes word after word of a song, they put a piece of themselves on that paper.

I think it's really just this greater force that drives music. Haven't you ever stopped, and really, REALLY thought, about just how layered music is? Beneath the lyrics and the instruments, there's always this underlying current of something. I have no idea how to explain it, and i'm sorry if i'm confusing anyone. Although when you think about it, it's not so confusing at all. I hope.

When i listen to some songs, i get what can only be described at "a queer feeling in my chest". It's something that mere words cannot hope to emulate. One must FEEL the current. Wow that sounded way too sagely. What im saying is, i can't tell you what it feels like, or what to expect. You just have to listen, and listen hard. Then feel whatever force that drove the creation of that 3-4min piece of magic.

Music has and always will be a huge part of who i am. It's been with me since i was old enough to talk. That Thing You Do, by this long forgotten band called The Wonders, was the first song i truly liked and loved. I sang it everyday, and air-guitared to it whenever i was alone or was with Aunty Edna. That was when i was in Kindergarden.

As i slowly grew older, i of course discovered the Goo Goo Dolls. A Boy Named Goo was the first album i ever truly cherished. It was an album full of meaning and senti-mental value to me. That album is long lost now, but i've never forgotten the first album i ever had. The first piece of music i fell truly, deeply, and forever in love with. That was in Primary 3.

I've heard lots of different bands, lots of different genres. I had a k-pop phase once. Face it, we ALL have. Except maybe Nat. But Nat doesn't count. Does he? I had a metal phase once, because of Ian and Sam, who showed me that yes, screamo is actually a type of music. Then of course, all the stuff Nat introduced me to, and all the stuff i found on my own.

It's really hard to aptly describe how much music has shaped an influenced my life. Not that i'm a good musician in any way. Heck, if you can even call learning random songs every now and then being a "musician"...

But i have a boundless love for both making and listening to music. At night, when i can't sleep, especially now when SHE fills most of my thoughts, i plug in my earphones and the world falls away. It's like one of those Pixar movies you know? Once the earphones go in, and the beautiful music comes on, all i hear is John Rzeznik's voice and nothing else matters. The rest of the world is silent and still, as if in awe of the sound coming from all around me.

I lie on my bed, eyes closed, and i imagine so many things. I imagine an eclipse passing over the world, as Jon Foreman sings of the shadow and the sunshine. I imagine the ice scattering from a spoon as John Rzeznik sings of Black Balloons. I imagine what it's like to be born in the state of Mississipi when Anthony Kiedis sings of California. I imagine what it's like to be in the 80s, with nought a care in the world as David Gates and Jimmy Griffins serenade me to sleep.

When i'm sad, or angry, i just plug in. When i'm happy, all i want to do is dance and jam. If i had my way, i'd have joined some music course way long ago in Primary school or something. Too bad Singapore puts so much emphasis on Paper Qualifications. What defines success anyway? Michael Blazary barely finished school and look where he is now? He's still living the dream, still pounding away on that bass like a freaking boss, and making millions and millions.

I just. You know sometimes, i wanna express my love for music so badly that i can just burst? Like your soul is just screaming for that release of sound and melody that only you can hear in your head. In class, on the bus, at home. I just wanna reach out for a guitar and just play random chords and sing along to random lyrics. Those stayovers when i composed songs for Nat, yes, they were funny and i was half drunk with Green Tea most of those times, but still.

It didn't need to be good. It didn't need to make sense. It didn't even need to be coherent.

It just needed to be made.

Sometimes i just wanna quit. Quit everything. Drop everything. Forget about her and her stupid idiotic asshole of a boyfriend and just stop. Stop my life in it's tracks. Stop everything from moving and just sit down on my bed. Phone at my side and guitar in hand. Just strumming stupid random chords and playing around with stupid random scales. Time will cease to matter. That's all i need. And green tea of course.

I wish i could Apparate. I wish i could Expecto Patronum all my personal Dementors away. I wish i could Crucio her boyfriend for making her feel like shit. I wish i could use Legilimency on the other her, so i could confirm what i think i've known for a long, long time now, the fact that i have ceased to mean much to her. If at all. I wish i could go back in time and change so much of my past.

But you know what? If i DID change my past for the better, music wouldn't be as important or as huge to me as it has been for a long while. So maybe, it's worth the trade. To go through all that bullshit, only to find something truly and unarguably beautiful and soul wrenching.

Music is the one thing, the one entity that has NEVER abandoned me. In my darkest times and my brightest days, it's always been there. Maybe someday i'll find God again in that same way. But that's another story.

If you've managed to make it to this point without thinking i'm some insane lunatic rambling on and on about nothing, then GOOD FOR YOU. I guess. Sanity not included!

BTW. To anyone who cares, The Adventures of Rain Dance Maggie is out.

I've fallen in love all over again. I miss the funk, but like Zarook said in his rare moment of wisdom, we have to move on. John will always be near and dear to our hearts of hearts. But i think we should all give Mr. Klinghoffger a chance yes?

We shalt not expect him to fill in the shoes of John, but instead, create a new pair of imprints. It will not and cannot be fair to treat him as a replacement for John. Because face it, no one can and no one ever will be able to replicate what John did for the band. He should be treated like his own man, with his own style, and with his own history and life. Of course, there's no way to snub the comparisons forever, but still. Try? I've listened to his solo stuff and the stuff he's worked on with John. It's amazing. Yes, i may be extremely biased, but it is.

ANDDDD i have to wake up at 7 tomorrow. Wait. *Glances at clock* Uh, i mean, later today.

Tah.

I feel Deathly Hollow (Spoilers alert)

2011-07-14T20:30:00.000+08:00

So today started pretty ok. Went around interviewing strangers for IS. Played LAN twice with Davin. Once when we were waiting for Cam (yea we had that much time). And another when the 3 of us finished and decided to check out the "famous" LAN shop at Cineleissure (Sp?)

But the highlight of the day began when I met Pheebs and Lindsay. No one stared at you Pheebs. Really. Met Dynn in his super hilarious Death Eater costume. (Photos up on FB soon i hope!)

Getting into the theater... i was nervous. I didn't know what to feel. Here i was, minutes away from watching HP7 and all i could think of was how it was all ending. Just like Harry, i walked gladly into the dark forest (of chairs) to face the end of an era. The end of the magic that J.K Rowling has graced this world with.

Sitting next to Pheebs, i was glad. Not only because i was a lot more comfortable with the 'Wand' innuendo with her, but also because i didn't want Lindsay or Dynn or Terry to see me wail like a freaking baby.

And wail i did.

When did i start? Well i started when Professor McGonagall transfigured the Stone Statues. She called them forth to defend the Castle of Hogwarts. To defend their home. To fight against that which threatened the students and the wizarding world.

Silent tears were already streaming down my face. It was just so... The way she said it. The fact that she was the first teacher Harry, Ron and Hermione met before they were sorted into their houses, was also the first teacher who prepared to defend the castle. It was just... i can't explain the shivers running down my spine even now, thinking about that scene. Envisioning it in my mind it's just... beyond words.

And can i just say that the producers of the show are freaking horrible people? They showed us a scene with Fred and George. George goes "Alright Freddie?" and Fred says he is. HOW FKING CRUEL IS THAT. JUST HOW.

JUST.

HOW.

CRUEL.

The flood gates opened at that one. I couldn't stop it. Pheebs was sobbing quietly next to me and i just... i couldn't take it anymore. I mean, i was already tearing but shit, that scene just made everything 10 times worse. I hate you, whoever decided to add in that scene. Effing cruel idiots.

I cried when Snape died, when he cried for Harry and told him to look into his eyes before he died. He may have been a dick throughout the series, but Snape was probably the best member of the Order. I cried when Dumbledore asked him about his doe Patronous, and he said, "Always."

I cried when they showed Tonks and Lupin reaching out to each other as they prepared to defend the castle, and then when they showed their dead bodies lying side by side, hands inches from touching.

Of course i freaking burst into tears when Harry turned the stone over and met the marauders and his mother. When he looked at Sirius, tears shining behind those round spectacles, and asked if dying hurt, man i was like UGHHGHGHGHGH.

It was a freaking emotional rollercoaster throughout.

And at the end of it all, Harry Potter had ended. I loved how the final scene in the final movie emulated the last scene in the first movie. The Hogwarts express pulling away.

Man... it's going to take awhile for me to get over this. Haven't cried this much since... i dunno when.

Hey Hurricane.

2011-07-13T21:47:00.000+08:00

I've been watching the skies

They've been turning blood red

Not a doubt in my mind anymore

There's a storm up ahead

Hello hurricane, you're not enough

Hello hurricane, you can't silence my love

I've got doors and windows boarded up

All your dead end fury is not enough

You can't silence my love, my love

Every thing I have I count as loss

Everything I have is stripped away

Before I started building I counted up these costs

There's nothing left for you to take away

-Hello Hurricane, Switchfoot.

If there ever was a time in my life when a song has described what i'm going through in such clear, vivid detail, then it's this song. There's indeed a freaking storm up ahead and i don't know if i have any damage insurance. I'm still conducting repairs for shit's sake.

Today started off like crap already. I woke up super early and i couldn't go back to sleep. So like a lifeless, souless boy, i took the long, depressing bus to school. And then i got there to find Pheebs already chilling out Hipster style with her B-Boy cap outside the WritComm classroom.

Oh and i met Bikesh in the morning. Shout out to you Bikes, if you're reading this. You made my morning easier to live with! One day, all the St Gabs guys should just take a field trip back to St Gabs and re-live the past. I know it's unhealthy to be so obsessed with "the way things were" but i can't help it. St Gabs will always be my home away from home and unless Hogwarts actually existed, then nothing else would ever hold that special place in my heart.

Then WritComm and it's usual bullshit commenced, so not much to say there. Except that i have a newfound respect for Ms Foo. She stayed back to help us with our proposals and damn, any other teacher would've probably been like "OK STFU. It's my lunch break." So Ma'am, if by some cosmic chance you find this post, then my sincere gratitude is yours.

I had so much time to kill, it wasn't even funny. But at least i spent a good 2 hours doing something productive. Read: Taking retarded webcam shots with Vanessa and watching Skins on Pheeb's laptop. To anyone who cares, Skins UK will ALWAYS be better than Skins US. Why? Because of EFFFFYYY. Seriously. She's so hot i swore the screen melted once or twice. Not that Season 1 featured much of her...

Fast forward a few hours and i'm with Josh, Linds and Cass. Josh and i were making good progress with our Radio Prod and then... the entire freaking Pro Tools program had to crash.

We didn't save our work.

Needless to say, we were pissed beyond belief. At least Josh was calm about it. Or he seemed that way anyway. I swear, Joshua Tan Wei An is the kind of guy you'd see strolling calmly out of a burning building, tucking his hair into his french painter's cap with a crooked smile on his face.

All in all, if i had to give a review of this week, i'd say it's been the best worst week of my life. The best because progress with the one i'm crazy in like with has been amazingly awesome, and the worst because everything else is slowly falling apart. Does that make sense even?

I was already feeling kind of down the last few days because of THAT extremely stupid Skype thing, which looking back now, was a freaking huge mistake, but the Radio prod thing just made everything seem much worse. It really put things into perspective for me. Josh and i worked our tired, sleepy asses off on that piece of shit assignment, and then it's gone in the blink of an eye without so much as a "BYE SUCKERS".

That pretty much sums up what i've been feeling the past few days. Everything i've done for you doesn't seem to matter anymore. Maybe it's extraordinarily arrogant of me to think that now, i'd have a priority in your life. But still, that small, egoistic part of me still hope somewhere deep inside,

that i still meant as much to you, as you did to me.

But i totally understand. People come and go in your life, i'm not anyone who matters anymore, and that's totally fine. Just let me down easily next time you wanna pull something like this out of your ass. Let me prepare my freaking figurative parachute before you send me over the edge. I guess, that's too much to ask of you isn't it? I can't expect these things from you anymore. I used to be able to, but things change. People change, and i find myself seeing the changes in you as a negative thing day after day. Then again, it's just my opinion, and that has ceased to matter to you a long, long time ago.

Come back and haunt me

Follow me home

Give me a motive

Swallow me whole

They say I've lost it

What could I know

When I'm but a mockery?

I'm so alone

-Sooner or Later, Switchfoot.

And then, there's Harry Potter tomorrow. I can't even begin to tell you guys out there bothering to read this, how much Harry Potter has been a part of my life and my childhood. It's an end of an era tomorrow. An end of one of the greatest things that life truly have to offer.

Across the world, people, regardless of race, language, and religion, are united by one thing in common. We all love a certain, scrawny, British boy by the name of Harry Potter. We've cried with him, laughed with him, and visited the magical world through his round-edged glasses over the past 10 years. And all i can say, is thank you to J.K Rowling. Thank you for giving us this gift of not only a mere storybook, but an epic legacy and for some like myself, the definition of our childhood.

I am just but 1 hardcore Potter fan across the globe, but i'm sure many share my sentiments. I cannot, and hopefully WILL NOT ever have to imagine a world without Harry Potter. It's so much more than a series of books. It's a journey, a discovery, and an adventure all rolled into pages on something so mundane as a book.

We love you Harry.

Love,

Muggles of the world.

TIMES LIKE THESE

2011-07-12T11:39:00.002+08:00

Music is EVERYTHING.

She totally did it.

2011-07-11T01:38:00.000+08:00

Sigh. Another night of disappointment. Just shut up about him please.

Here i am trying to forget, drinking the entire weekend away. And there you are ripping the bandage open every few hours when you talk to me. That's right, YOU start the convos. So WHYYYY.

Shall listen to SwitchFoot and feel emo.

And then when i feel like it, i'll listen to RHCP and follow sagely advice.

"When life gives you problems, put a condom on it and f*** everything."

Because you look so fine and i really wanna make you mine.

2011-07-07T22:20:00.000+08:00

Days like today are really the days that make me believe in life again. In what i'm doing in school and what i want to do for the rest of my life.

I want to be a rockstar. But then, doesn't every other teenager?

I shall content myself with being a bedroom rocker for now. But sometimes, as cheesy, corny, and lame as it sounds, i just need to let out the music in me you know?

In class, in the Lecture hall. I sometimes just want to burst out and scream and play some Chilli Peppers to wake everyone the **** up. I want the bass pounding through my soul and my fretboard solid at my fingertips. Shit. I need to jam badly. I have to get this feeling out somehow or i'll explode.

It's so hard to control it at times. In tutorials, i'ts really bad. I get restless and fidgety and easily irritated at the slightest things. I want to be transported home immediately to my guitar, plug in the thing and make the Tubes scream.

Wow i sound like some pro. Which i'm totally not.

But see, i COULD be. If i had the time, the resources, everything. If, in this lifetime, i could grow to be half as good as Frusciante, then i would die a very happy and contented man. I'm serious.

Yes i know it's all very ooo and cheesy and sappy but it's the truth. Music IS my life. I think life without music is not a life worth living at all. Save the oxygen for the people who need it to sing their hearts out.

I'm sure you all know the song Snow (Hey Oh). If you don't, i really have no curse word in my disposal to insult you adequately.

Anyway, it's a song about starting over. Turning over a new leaf etc. The song is titled Snow because, according to John and Anthony, Snow is the perfect epitome of starting a new life, a new direction. They didn't say why, but this is what i think: Snow is pure white (duh) and when it snows, the skies paint the ground and everything else it touches in a brand new, innocent, pure sheet of white canvas for us to make new footsteps in. The snow also covers all our previous track marks, letting us forgive and forget. Pretty poetic huh?

This riff... Everyone and his mother knows i've been trying for the longest time to get that nasty bugger down. But i think compared to a few months ago, i'm much better at it now. The thing i lack is the stamina to do it the whole song. And also, sing along to John's parts WHILE playing. Anyway, the riff can only be described as "hopeful".

Yea i know it might be strange to describe a guitar riff as "hopeful" but that's what i feel. Like it just rings of it. It makes you feel like there's no such thing as "no turning back" or "dead ends". For me anyway. I know i must sound nuts to most of you but whatever. i said it before and i'll say it again. Music=Life.

As August 30th approaches ever so slowly, i can't help but think maybe i'll skip school that day. Just to spend time listening to each and every one. I'm not saying it'll be a great album, but they've never let me down before. I have enough faith in the rest of them to know that they wouldn't hire some random, talentless dude to fill the gigantic void left by John.

Don't get me wrong, i have a huge developing respect for Josh. I've been listening to John's solo work and it's amazing. Haven't heard the albums The Empryean and Shadows Collide With People? Well you're missing out. Josh and John collabed to produce both albums and it's nothing short of beautiful.

Of course, they're not for everybody. It's very Avant-garde and John uses a bucketload of phaser/flanger effects. Very space-like sounds but it all fits. The dominant instrument is the acoustic actually. He doesn't show off his solo-ing skillz and stuff much but the albums are very conceptual.

Like i said, it's not for everyone. Even hardcore Pepper fans may not like it.

I know i didn't. At first at least. I was like "Wtf is this shit. I want some FUNK". And then i realized i was looking at John as though he was STILL part of the Chilli Peppers. So after repeated listens and countless hours spent memorising the lyrics for some of my fav songs, i've come to appreciate and perhaps even love his solo stuff.

Hmm, this post sounds so review-ey. But i could care less.

If there was one wish i could have in this world, it would be to jam on stage with them. Just saying.

\m/

Bursting

2011-07-04T23:28:00.000+08:00

Wow oh no omg. 2 posts in one day. Holy crap. The world is ending already.

No, i just needed to get something out.

There is only so much abuse one can take. I'm gonna be little big-headed about this but i could give less of a shit if Justin Bieber were to come to Singapore.

I'm a nice guy. Heck, because of you, i'm starting to think i'm too nice to the people around me sometimes. That just gives you the green light to trample all over my heart right? Because i'm NICE enough to be a stupid dick and forgive you after like an hour of being pissed at you. But nah, it's not gonna be that way anymore from now on. When it comes to you, i'm gonna guard my heart and my shit so closely it'll make the ground look far away from your feet. You've done so many things lately that just... make me wanna scream... Until no sound comes out and you've learnt your lesson.

Wow. I'm so upset i'm quoting Boys Like Girls. Nat will be disappoint.

It's about 1am now and i have school tomorrow. But i'm still simmering over everything. Second guessing myself, overthinking shit.

Basically kicking myself in the nutsack because i can't help but feel that it's all my fault.

Feelings suck.